lathriel: (violin)

So, last night I dreamed that I was kind of in the cast of Glee. I say "kind of" because, in the dream, that life was real. I was a real high school student in a glee club, and I was surrounded by immensely talented people, whose abilities I truly respected and looked up to. However, it took place in my old high school--Williamsville South--not the high school they go to on TV (whatever that is, idk).

I was walking through the halls of the school, vaguely aware that I hadn't been there in a long time because I'd been fired (dream logic! I guess it was equating the status of "student" with "employed") but I was there, during passing time, wandering among the students, when someone from the glee club informed me that I would be performing a duet with them later that week. I don't remember the song--I'm not actually sure it was a real song anyway--but I remember it was pretty soulful and powerful, like Janis Joplin style, only without the, um, Janis Joplin-y voice.

Anyway, I imagined myself having to sing in front of the class, and I felt a panicky mix of elation and terror. I felt like I know that if I was in my car by myself, I could totally belt out that song like a fucking champ...but in front of people? I'll mess up. They'll hate it. I can't do it. Then it occurred to me in a dream-logic way that I hadn't seen myself perform on Glee all season, and I realized it was because I was just an extra, a background singer at best. I might have enjoyed singing, and maybe even thought I was pretty good, but I'm nowhere near as talented as those kids.

And yet there was still that strange elation...

I imagined singing the song, putting everything into it that I had, come what may. I was scared of what would come out of me, that it would be too big, too powerful, too alarming. I was afraid that, in my passion for the song, I'd hit some note that would scratch just the wrong way, making people uncomfortable. But even though the idea of trying and letting it all loose frightened me, I knew I wanted to do it. Maybe I wasn't going to sing my song like they would, and maybe I couldn't sing it as well as they could (in the way that they would), but I thought I could sing it well the way that I could sing it, and the way I wanted to sing it. Only, the way I could sing and wanted to sing--I knew a lot of people wouldn't like it.

But I still really, really wanted to try. I wanted to do it. I just didn't know if I could.

I was terrified.

But I wanted to sing.

I was terrified.

But I still wanted to sing.

Could I do it? Would I do it?

Panic. Panic. Panic.

And then I woke up.


You know, I like to think that I would have been brave enough to sing. But I honestly don't know. And yet in some ways, I think I'm preparing for my performance right now, as I get ready to release my second novel. I don't doubt that The Hierophant is a novel that will hit strange, unexpected notes in the reader's mind. But I like those notes, and I like the songs that carry them. I like when a song is not a perfect balance of verse and refrain. I like performances where the singer's voice breaks from her expression of need, of feeling, and leaves a note hanging in the air like the torn edge of a love letter, ripped in half.

And I think there are others out there who like those kinds of songs, too.

And I hope they'll sing their songs the way they want to, too.


Feb. 17th, 2011 10:58 am
lathriel: (violin)
It's almost WARM out!!!!

Sarah and I went for a walk last night. A long, glorious, moon-lit, non-shivering, spring-smelling walk. We talked a LOT about life, and writing, and destiny, and instinct. It was so good. I feel much better about a lot of things, and I definitely have a renewed sense of direction.

I started re-listening to some of the Abraham-Hicks CDs I burned from my parents a while ago, and it's been kind of ridiculous. Everything I've been thinking about lately, ideas that have come to me, questions I've had... they are all confirmed or addressed in the past 48 hours of car-time-listening I've done. Amazing how I could listen to those CDs so many times, and only hear certain parts now.

Anyway, I feel much more empowered again. Not *completely* back to where I was, but getting there, and gaining momentum.

I want to make lists again. That's always a good thing. ;D

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

This weekend Jared and I are going to the Thousand Islands with Pete and Katie for a mini-retreat! I've been so looking forward to this, on multiple levels. First off, I've never been there, and that's always an adventure. Second, we're not obligated to do anything but have fun. I know Pete and Katie and I will use a lot of the time to work on creative projects, read, relax... it's perfect timing, really, because I just want to sit around and make lists and think about things, novels, directions, plans. Plus, I hear talk of drunken board games happening, and that's always fun...

And then last but not least, I had a dream I was riding a black alpaca through a city, and busking with my ukulele. That, also, I just thought I'd share. ;D
lathriel: (Default)

Little Girl's sea-house
built upon the scree
wobbles when the waves wash
salt between the seams.

She packs stones beneath the floorboards
and sand between the stones;
sneaks secrets into spaces
where no other things can go.

Windows face the water
open wide as doors
Windows wet and wind-rattled,
jealous of the shore.

For windows, they are cowards-
they look, and nothing more
and nothing looks more safely
than looking from the shore.

But Little Girls aren't cowards
They're wild, brave, and bright
Adventurers by daytime
And dreamers all by night.

And when the windows shatter
and the walls and floorboards break
The girl will find new freedom
in the secrets that escape

someday when that sea-house,
built upon the scree,
 wobbles when the waves crash,
and plunges to the sea.

-M.C.F. 8/12/09

The first two lines of this poem were given to me in a dream... the rest, who knows? ;)
lathriel: (no drugs)
OK excellently strange dream last night.

I don't remember why, but I'd been thinking about "The Stand" and how unoriginal the idea of population-devastating disease is, and how unlikely it would be that one person from a family would survive when a person's constitution is usually genetic. ANYWAY, I had a dream that a virus had wiped out most of the population of the world...

I have a little sister, too, for some reason. There are zombies out there, and people, but the people are just as bad because all the wildlife has been devastated too so humans are becoming cannibals. We are running up to my attic to hide, because I know there are hidden crawl spaces in the walls of the closet where no one would think to look. I crawl into the closet and remove the panel, and I'm mostly in when I turn around and and my sister is screaming and struggling after me, and I'm trying to grab her hands and pull her in and she goes "Oh no he's got me! He's stabbing me! He's stabbing me oh GOD-"

And then, quite like a movie, it cuts to an image of a knife hacking through a huge grilled fish, and my little sister saying "oh god this is so delicious, I haven't eaten in forever..." and the "camera" pulls back to reveal that we and the men who had pursued us are having a meal together, outside, by a pool.

Here comes the insane stuff: There are these... creatures. I know with my dream knowledge that they are supposed to be slugs, but a) they are the size of horses, and b) they look more like animated and inflated tapestries from a fair trade store, all brilliantly colored with little mirrors and sequins attached. And they never really keep a definite form, just kind of a vague boxy shape, but sometimes even that is gone. They are huge, and they are colorful, and they are harmless.

And, there is a "bird" of a similar design, perhaps with more iridescent metalic-looking scales, that my dream knowledge insists is a pelican. It's smaller than the slugs, but just as fascinating to watch.

In the dream, we know that this is not how those creatures are supposed to look, but by some product of disease or mutation those random subjects of the animal kingdom have been transformed into hyper-embellished Lisa Frank-esque muppety new editions. And we just watch them, fascinated, drinking tea from a dainty little tea set, at a white-painted wrought iron table, with parasols, forgetting the fact that we're some of the last people on earth, and that my sister and I had been afraid these men would kill us and eat our corpses.

lathriel: (lovers)
I had a dream last night that I was getting married. I don't remember much about it, only that I was completely uncertain as to whether or not I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. In fact, I was pretty sure I didn't. But I'd said yes, the day had come, people were there, I was in my dress, flowers in hand... so how could I say no? But wouldn't it hurt us both more in the long run if I faked my way through the ceremony? If I got up to the altar and just smiled uncomfortably? I couldn't even imagine kissing him. I just did not love him. How did I even let myself get here? How stupid of me.

So, that seems like a pretty blatant metaphor. But I am really comfortable with my decision to not go to grad school. I don't really have any other looming questionable commitments... so what's the deal? Maybe to focus only on what I want, not what will make other people comfortable/happy? OK!

Feeling a little bit better/more in touch with myself, day by day...
lathriel: (desert)
I took a nap today. You know how nap dreams are always insane?


So I'm sitting at a table outside at a cafe in Oxford, writing on my laptop. It starts to drizzle, and I keep writing, aware that the rain is going to ruin my computer, but with an air of "just let me finish this one thing..." until finally Lisa (a German exchange student I see regularly) walks up to me and I finally close the laptop.

Then I am on a porch, in someone's backyard. I look to my left and this inky, fluttering, cloud/swarm-like mass of black feathers descends from the sky and perches on the rail. It's utterly black, in the shape of a very densely feathered owl, with bright yellow eyes and beak. It looks to it's left, and I look forward. There are ducks/mallards descending, landing on the grass. Except they're not just regular ducks (in the dream they were regular to me) because instead of having legs they have these sort of circular platforms attached to their underbellies, suspended by lots of thin wires or chains or something. When they fly they use the platforms to carry things, but when they land the wires just balloon out and they sit on the platforms.

Then I am in an old Victorian house. It's a live-action movie, meaning you go there and watch people perform, and follow them around as they tell the story. There are women in period dress; it's very brightly lit by sunlight. I'm standing near a jar of sugar, and I dump garlic powder into it, and then convince myself it's still good and eat it.

Then I'm on sand dunes- think Sahara Desert style. My family is there, but we're all spread out along the dune, and I have a dagger in my hand, like a real, old school, probably magical dagger. I keep walking a certain distance and then getting hauled backwards by some invisible force- it doesn't hurt me, but man am I sailing. I know it has something to do with the dagger, so I try to throw it away, but it keeps ending up back in my hand and then I go flying backwards again. And I could really feel myself going backwards- it was very vivid.

Yeah. This is definitely one of the craziest dreams I've ever had. And all during an hour nap!

lathriel: (Default)
So I had this dream last night. I only remember parts of it, but here they are:

I am Egyptian. I am at a country club, and for whatever reason I need to change my clothes. I climb into the back of my Saturn station wagon (which I don't really own) and get nekkid, trying to hide while I dress, but small Indian children keep running up to the back window and peering in. I know they can't see me, so I'm goofing around with them and making them giggle. (Not the typical reaction to nakedness in a dream, right?)

Then I'm at a restaurant, a fantastic lebanese/american restaurant, with famous falafel nachos (do such things exist???) and some kind of dessert. I'm trying to order take-out, but the restaurant is filled with white people and they are all starring at me/ giving me a hard time/ hitting on me because I'm Egyptian.

Eventually I end up at home, which is a little apartment by the country club. I'm in England still, and I have envelopes full of British money because apparently people come to me to exchange. A man comes and wants exactly 9.77 pounds for his $10, which is not an equal exchange, but I offer him a full 10 pounds anyway, and he throws a fit. Enter a second man while we are arguing, and we all start to argue, and they're counting my money and I realize they're trying to scam me. We get into a physical fight, and I smoosh one of their faces with my hand until he passes out, and I don't remember what happens to the other guy but I win.

I don't know about the first parts, but the second seems to say even when I offer more than someone deserves they will try to get more out of me- but I don't take shit.

Why in the world was I Egyptian?

lathriel: (violin)
Ok, so I'm very disoriented because I'm borrowing a laptop from my parents while the Apple store does a file transfer from my iBook G4 to my new MACBOOK PRO! HOLY SHIT! I'm still dumbfounded. I was supposed to get a macbook and then upgrade later, but my brother worked some weird logic magic on my mother while he was on the phone with her and she decided: "well, if you're going to get it anyway, I might as well spend the extra couple of hundred and get it for you now so that you can have the best resources for your media stuff."



My mother is amazing. We've worked this out, btw- i'm not a complete J.A.P. (besides my Dad's the Jewish one). I've basically exchanged my next million birthdays and christmases, plus I've agreed to help my mom make a documentary (which is a subject for another exciting entry!).

But, what's really frustrating is I thought I had my query letter drafts for The Hierophant on my flash drive, and I don't, so I have to wait until I get my computer back tomorrow until I can look at them again, and it's driving me crazy. I so want to move forward on this, it's a visceral feeling in my blood.

I actually had a dream last night that I got a letter from an agent expressing interest in one of my novels. I've never had a dream that blatant about the publishing process! It also involved me, Sarah Diemer, and Jenn cleaning out the attic of an old house (houses in dreams represent your subconscious self, and attics represent your higher self, and we were all three cleaning together... and I've been learning about this "clearing" process to help rid your subconscious of limiting beliefs... it was so perfect!).


Oh, and another thing, I finally just coughed up the dough to pay for a translation of "storyteller" into Sanskrit. I'm either going to get it along my wrist (not across) or on my back, over my heart to the left of my spine, or on my chest. I dunno.

I do know that I'm going to get a quill tattooed over my heart on my chest. Soon. It has a lot to do with me being a writer, obvs., but it also has to do with a myth my best friend made up for one of her books/series that I fell in love with the first time she told me about it. I don't want to say it here, but some day, when the books are published, you will get it.


The left side of my body is a party, and the right side is all business ;p

Oh! And, last but not least, I got a new Tarot card deck last night because I lost my rider waite deck. I got the Art Nouveau deck, which I know doesn't look very "Maddie" but... it is strikingly appropriate for me lately, actually. Plus, its energy is just amazing. I'm very excited to get back into *trying* to learn how to read.

Ok! thankfully I do have drafts on my flash drive, so i'm going to work on that, and then make a list of agents to submit to (once the query is done).

"I feel heppy!"

the bird

Oct. 20th, 2008 03:12 pm
lathriel: (lovely)

this was the "hummingbird" from my dream. It's a Resplendent Quetzal, a native Costa Rican bird that is, according to legend, not a bird but a divine being.



Oct. 20th, 2008 12:35 pm
lathriel: (magdalene)
I had a dream I was in a sleek, glossy penthouse with family members and friends- my brothers, some cousins, and friends I don't think I have yet. I'm looking out the huge picture window, and I walk through it- easily, like water. I find myself transported to my mother's penthouse across town, chic and black, with a huge garden in the living room. There's a bed for me, posh as hell, and I lie down in it, somewhat confused. I realize I followed something here.

Looking up into the dark, I see a hummingbird. I followed that hummingbird. I raise my hand, index finger straight, and the graceful creature alights upon my finger. I actually feel the tiny feet wrap around my finger, secure, painless, and I'm struck by the majesty of the bird. It's not just a hummingbird. It's all kinds of shimmering colors, and I know it is my guide tonight. I feel it's pull, and I rise from the bed and begin to move towards the garden. My mother wakes up, startled that I'm there, but goes back to bed without much fuss. I'm about to follow the hummingbird - somewhere - when I begin to wake up.

Upon waking, the knowledge of you're almost there... is loud and clear in my brain.
lathriel: (Default)
I got "shot" with this ultra-pokey-thinggy, up and under my ribs just below my diaphragm, yesterday. now I hurt. i've been hurting a lot lately. Lasertron effed up my leg again :( I think I need to start eating more veggies or taking minerals or something.
I've got hot water! yay! I washed the dishes yesterday- FINALLY- and it was the best dish-washing-experience ever! Today, I just might take a shower in my own apartment! woot!
ok, public statement here: I had a dream that, among other things, I came out to a parking lot to find it empty except for my car, and a lamp or a sign had fallen on the front driver's side of the car and it was all smashed. SO, if anything smashy happens to my car in the next few weeks, you heard it here first. Then you will know the truth of my powers...
Oh no, unless that's a metaphor too, like the driving and losing control of the car dreams... is my life about to get smashed in a non fun/drinking way? Or is it going to be a drunk driver hitting my car? Huh. so many variables.
anyway. I should get out of bed.
lathriel: (Default)
I had the wierdest dream. Again. This time it was wierd because I slept for several hours and dreampt it, woke up, drove home, fell asleep for a few more hours and continued the original dream, woke up at 1 to answer the phone, fell back asleep, and continued the same dream...
I only ended up getting out of bed at 4:30. Lame. What a wasted day.
But the dream was interesting. It had a lot to do with this kid I used to work with (who, interestingly enough, I had to write up at work when I was the boss for a few months) being in a horror movie with Jake Gyllenhall, and working at a fast food place and... sitting on hoods of cars... and beaches at night... and other assorted generic teenage images. I can only assume that I'm supposed to learn something from this dream, why else would it have persued me through three sleeping periods?
I think there was a wereworlf in it too...


lathriel: (Default)
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