lathriel: (eek)
First: to all of you who left me such lovely, heartfelt encouragement and strength in the comments of my last entry, thank you SO MUCH. I would have responded to each of you but it basically would just be virtual blubbering and hugging, so I do that here, now: *HUGS* *LOVE* *TEARS* THANK YOU!

I feel much better today. I think a part of me knew this was coming--I had done Tarot readings at the hermitage that, at the time, I refused to believe because they were either a) too good to be true, or b) too frightening to delve into. Back then, I was haunted by images of Death, but I was also deep into a spiral of depression and anxiety. Even though I *never* interpret Death as death, I kept going back there. But I've also had a paranoid vibe at work since forever. And I totally read about me receiving inheritance, and I thought it too good to be true (plus my mother had told me we weren't in my grandfather's will, and I hadn't expected it anyway). But lo, my parents decided to give each of their kids a substantial gift. And lo, Death came and terminated my job at the lamest excuse for a business ever.

Today, I feel shameful joy. I'm working on the shame part. But the world would have me believe that it's not okay to be happy about this, about uncertainty, and unstable income, and lack of being a "contributing member of society." It would tell me I can't be happy when I don't know what the outcome of my unemployment is yet. It would tell me I have to take the first job that comes along, even if it sends me right back into a black hole of depression and anxiety.

But you know what? I'm happy. I don't ever have to go into that toxic, poisonous office ever again. I don't ever have to worry about my shitty boss being in a pissy mood, or doing a shitty, poorly designed project, skirting the edges of ethical. I don't have to worry about getting approval for time off, leaving early, having time to pick up my husband, get to a doctor's appointment, being late because of traffic, being temporarily laid off just because the president is a cheap mother fucker... I could go on about what I'm leaving behind, but let's not. Let's... leave it behind.

Today, I woke up with crazy hair because I went to bed with it damp. Here's another secret admission (theme of the week): I love when my hair is insane. I have "curly" hair, but it usually settles into waves on the second day. Sometimes when I go to bed with damp hair I wake up with this MASSIVE LION FRO and it is AMAZING. I feel fine going out into the world with that, but to the office? It feels "unprofessional." So I have to wet it down and comb it out until I look respectable (metaphor?). Since I got faux bangs at my last haircut (bangs that are pretty much always swept aside) my hair gets even crazier around my face. I think next time I get my hair cut I'm just going to ask them to cut it in whatever way makes my hair the BIGGEST. Because why not?

Also today, I put on my teal corduroy pants and my most comfortable tee shirt, thinking "fuck business casual" the whole time. I woke up feeling giddy, goofy... kind of blossoming. I feel like I'm slowly rising out from my prison. Slowly remembering who and what I am. I can wear hair flowers now, since I don't have to worry about a headset messing them up. And so long as I'm willing to dye over it if need be when a job opportunity comes up, I can totally take advantage of the toner being faded from my recent highlights and dye that shit FIRE ENGINE RED or TEAL or GREEN or FUSCIA. I can do what I mother fucking want.

I'm at Spot Coffee right now, in Williamsville. I decided to go here after I dropped off Jared, and have the coffee I would have been having in the afternoon. I'll be writing in a moment. I'm beginning to live the life I've been dreaming of. It hasn't come as expected, and it's scary, and it's by no means stable. But I have to focus on the positive. I must see this as an opportunity. And I really do--it's just so hard, in the face of so much societal conditioning, to say "I'm happy I got fired."

So, I've given you three secrets this week:

1) I think I'm a fucking awesome writer.
2) I love when my hair is huge and curly and crazy.
3) I'm happy I got fired from my shitty job.

Hell yes! What other secrets can I share with you? I'll think about it...
lathriel: (no drugs)
-So have I already bitched here about being blocked from all social media at work? Cause that happened, which really sucks.

-But the book release party on Friday was AWESOME. So many people came to show their support and celebrate with us, I felt bad I didn't get to talk much to a lot of people :( But I signed my first books ohmygawd so now, I'm like, a real author!!! ;D

-But then there was the News that didn't come as a surprise: my older brother is probably getting a divorce. He found out about a month ago that his wife had been cheating on him for over a year (yes, that means while she was a bridesmaid in my wedding). I had known he'd kicked her out of the apartment for a few weeks, but I guess she weaseled her way back in but was saying shit like "i don't know if I love you enough" "I don't know if we can make this work" blah blah blah. He also found an email on her computer last week from Karen to a friend saying "I miss him" and the friend said "it's his birthday soon, you should send a gift." WHAT the hell? They went to a marriage counselor a few times, but I guess last week Adam (rightfully) pushed the issue and Karen said she wanted a divorce. My mind is blown- not by their getting a divorce, but by the fact that a person could be so fucking two-faced, being in my wedding party, spending Christmas with us, accepting gifts from us, and having the BALLS to tell me when I was having a fight with Jared "oh you can call me to talk whenever!" Ugh. I'm disgusted and enraged. But mostly I just want my brother to be happy. I know he still (thinks he?) loves her, but he's accepting that this might be the only way for him to have a happy marriage... with someone else.

-But to sandwich with some good news, I've been contacting various fantasy/fairytale magazines to see if they'd like review copies of TPaL, and I've gotten some bites! Next time I publish (Winter 2011!) I hope I'll have proof copies out ahead of time.

-I have to work from 8:30 to 7 Monday through Thursday this week to cover taking off this Friday. Sometimes I hate my job. I'd rather just lose a day of pay, you know? My LIFE is not this effin' office job. I'm a wife, too, and HEY a person with passions, and an author who needs to write. I also have to work till 7 Tuesday and Wednesday next week because I took a half day that Friday to go to a co-workers wedding. And before and after I go to Israel I have to work 8:30 to 8:30 all week. Did I mention we don't get overtime? Yeah, that's illegal, I know. But they just move the hours around to the hours you missed.

-But some good news: we're going to be talking with a realtor when I get back from Israel! Housey house we're a-comin' to find you!

That is all. :|

Stuff

Dec. 23rd, 2010 12:07 pm
lathriel: (Default)
Okay, screw Create Space, I found a site (authorhouse.com) that offers a better package at half the price. Not 100% sold there either, but it's a firm NO to createspace in the meantime. There's a lot of research I'm still doing, and I don't expect to commit any time soon, but finding all these different options is exciting. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter of self publishing and other independent production ideas, but that I'll have to write out next week because...

Apparently we are off from work ALL next week (without pay), and potential the first THREE weeks of January. Ugh. I don't think that's going to happen, but it's a possibility. Basically, because all of our contracts are over with, the company would lose money having us come in until the new contracts begin. It is supposed to be a very busy quarter for us, so i'm not worried about getting laid off or anything. I just wish there was a better system in place so I could have known ahead of time and made arrangements.

But, on the bright side (ALWAYS LOOK on the BRIGHT SIDE) I have at least a week to relax. And I WILL be relaxin'. Meditating, writing, getting some Bikram in (hopefully). Going on long walks. Napping :p

So that's good :)

Tonight is Christmas Even for Jared and I- we're having our own Christmas morning tomorrow so we're not rushed Saturday. Then I've got to make my Chipotle Mashed Sweet Potatoes for dinner the next day, and then we're off to my Aunt Cathy's place for our traditional Christmas Eve debauchery, lol. We were talking about trying to find a good place to go for midnight mass, but all of them start too early for my liking- 10:30 is nowhere close to midnight ;p

So if I'm not online until after then, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

Thoughts

Sep. 30th, 2010 06:10 pm
lathriel: (desert)
Today was better than yesterday at the calendar kiosk. I'm thinking most of my issues with the job have to do with my ego- I'm embarrassed to be 25, married, with a BA and making $8/hr to wander around a kiosk. I can't deny that. And another part is anger- anger that I went to school and finished a degree because I didn't want to spend my life in retail- and yet here I am.

Not that I'm planning on spending my life here.

I dunno. It's a weird place for me. I get the whole "times are hard" thing, with the economy and job market blah blah blah. But a huge part of me just keeps railing against it all saying "but that shouldn't apply to me!" It sounds like two things: 1) me being unwilling to face reality, and 2) the truth. It depends on what you believe in which side you'll take.

I do believe that abundance is ours for the taking. I believe that prosperity can be found, made, manifested, summoned, no matter the reality of others. I believe that thoughts, and not actions, are more powerful than anything. And yet... and yet. I don't want anyone to think I'm unwilling to face reality. But whose reality is it? I'm obviously rejecting it on some level.

So I'm here. Here I am. I'm trying to make peace with it, so that I can move on, so that I can be one of those people you read about some day who, despite all odds, and despite the "economic conditions." I want to be one of those people who does something amazing for herself and her loved ones- who finds a way to be her own boss, to do what she loves as a career, to live her life to the absolute fullest. Life is not about working to earn money. Life is about living.

But I stray. We all do. Sometimes our faith is so strong, and then it falters, and we're disgusted with The Way Things Work. When in reality, the BIG reality, the way things work is probably a lot better than it seems. And I flip flop, too- my dreams are sometimes so big, so full of life, summoning such strength and force through me that I feel absolutely alive. And other times, I'm tired. Other times, I think "I won't ever have the discipline to achieve that. It's not that important, that I'd be willing to give up my time or money." Or I think, "I can't do that, or at least it would be very hard to even try." Why? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of wanting, and not getting/doing/being. I'm afraid if I want too much, I'll be so disappointed when it does not come.

Fuck that.

Fuck fear.

And here's another thing, anyway: you can't stop wanting. You can pretend, and hide it even from yourself, but you cannot stop asking for the things you realize you want. Ever. Oh, you can resist not getting them (which is often why they don't come), and you can think about how much you dislike not having them (another reason). You can think about failing the task, and all the hardships that might come along the way, and just never begin the journey. But here's the thing: if you could just think of that thing you want, and why you want it, you could summon such life through you that those hardships would seem to disappear.

It's so clear to me, at times. We really do make far too much of this game called creation. So, how does one remain focused on the things that summon life force through them? How do you do it when all around people are reminding you of their troubles, the world's troubles, the unlikeliness of success, etc.?

Just remember your inner self crying out "That doesn't apply to me!" Because that inner self? Way smarter than the self that listens to gossip.
lathriel: (dancedancedance)
I'm in such a good place right now. I'm not even overly ecstatic, but I can work myself up to it in very little time (probably by the end of this post). Things are just so good right now, in a peaceful-but-joyous kind of way.

I realized, for all my worrying and skimping when I was unemployed, I actually have quite a bit in my checking account, just sitting there. I'm not gonna go out an spend it all, but it's just so relaxing to suddenly realize that. I don't know why i didn't realize it before- maybe because when it's all I have it doesn't seem like so much, but when it's "extra" it's a lot? Actually, it's just because I changed my perspective. I changed my perspective, and everything changed. But now that I have money coming in, the small amount in my checking account looks huge, since it's not what I'm relying on to support myself.

Also, in two weeks I will be moving into the new apartment! How exciting. I've been resisting the nesting urge so far because I don't want to buy anything before we move, but the interior decorator inside of me is full to bursting with creativity. Paint colors, window fixtures and drapery ideas, furniture arrangement, a kitchen-window herb garden... heee so exciting. Moving is going to be a pain in the ass- we have a huge desk we bought from Sarah and Laura's place of work that will have to be picked up and then hauled up to the third floor where we'll be living. But all will work out, I'm sure. Besides, I already have it easy in that I'm just moving next door, and Jared's got it easy since he just doesn't have much stuff to move.

Also, we're talking about our honeymoon plans. We were originally thinking about Mexico, but realized that most of the tours are closed when we'd be looking to go. Now we're thinking about getting a B&B in New England somewhere near the coast, or maybe Vermont where we could go visit Ben & Jerry, haha. For serious. I've got a travel agent I've used before, it's probably time to give her a call again.

Ok. Off to work. Have a great Monday everyone!

Aminals

May. 21st, 2009 05:20 pm
lathriel: (masquerade)
I have a confession to make.

This winter, December 2009 to be exact, I will be graduating from the University at Buffalo with a bachelor's degree in Media Study/Production and Anthropology.

And I have no intention of ever using my degree.

The Future, redefined. )
lathriel: (no drugs)
Guess who's got an interview with Dial America tomorrow?

D:

This makes me wonder if there's any chance in hell that my back might possibly be stronger than I think and if it is worth investigating. 10 hours a week at Starbucks with possible pain is starting to look lovely, rather than a 20 to 30 hour commitment to cold-calling.

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lathriel: (Default)
Madeline Franklin

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