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lathrielToday was better than yesterday at the calendar kiosk. I'm thinking most of my issues with the job have to do with my ego- I'm embarrassed to be 25, married, with a BA and making $8/hr to wander around a kiosk. I can't deny that. And another part is anger- anger that I went to school and finished a degree because I didn't want to spend my life in retail- and yet here I am.
Not that I'm planning on spending my life here.
I dunno. It's a weird place for me. I get the whole "times are hard" thing, with the economy and job market blah blah blah. But a huge part of me just keeps railing against it all saying "but that shouldn't apply to me!" It sounds like two things: 1) me being unwilling to face reality, and 2) the truth. It depends on what you believe in which side you'll take.
I do believe that abundance is ours for the taking. I believe that prosperity can be found, made, manifested, summoned, no matter the reality of others. I believe that thoughts, and not actions, are more powerful than anything. And yet... and yet. I don't want anyone to think I'm unwilling to face reality. But whose reality is it? I'm obviously rejecting it on some level.
So I'm here. Here I am. I'm trying to make peace with it, so that I can move on, so that I can be one of those people you read about some day who, despite all odds, and despite the "economic conditions." I want to be one of those people who does something amazing for herself and her loved ones- who finds a way to be her own boss, to do what she loves as a career, to live her life to the absolute fullest. Life is not about working to earn money. Life is about living.
But I stray. We all do. Sometimes our faith is so strong, and then it falters, and we're disgusted with The Way Things Work. When in reality, the BIG reality, the way things work is probably a lot better than it seems. And I flip flop, too- my dreams are sometimes so big, so full of life, summoning such strength and force through me that I feel absolutely alive. And other times, I'm tired. Other times, I think "I won't ever have the discipline to achieve that. It's not that important, that I'd be willing to give up my time or money." Or I think, "I can't do that, or at least it would be very hard to even try." Why? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of wanting, and not getting/doing/being. I'm afraid if I want too much, I'll be so disappointed when it does not come.
Fuck that.
Fuck fear.
And here's another thing, anyway: you can't stop wanting. You can pretend, and hide it even from yourself, but you cannot stop asking for the things you realize you want. Ever. Oh, you can resist not getting them (which is often why they don't come), and you can think about how much you dislike not having them (another reason). You can think about failing the task, and all the hardships that might come along the way, and just never begin the journey. But here's the thing: if you could just think of that thing you want, and why you want it, you could summon such life through you that those hardships would seem to disappear.
It's so clear to me, at times. We really do make far too much of this game called creation. So, how does one remain focused on the things that summon life force through them? How do you do it when all around people are reminding you of their troubles, the world's troubles, the unlikeliness of success, etc.?
Just remember your inner self crying out "That doesn't apply to me!" Because that inner self? Way smarter than the self that listens to gossip.
Not that I'm planning on spending my life here.
I dunno. It's a weird place for me. I get the whole "times are hard" thing, with the economy and job market blah blah blah. But a huge part of me just keeps railing against it all saying "but that shouldn't apply to me!" It sounds like two things: 1) me being unwilling to face reality, and 2) the truth. It depends on what you believe in which side you'll take.
I do believe that abundance is ours for the taking. I believe that prosperity can be found, made, manifested, summoned, no matter the reality of others. I believe that thoughts, and not actions, are more powerful than anything. And yet... and yet. I don't want anyone to think I'm unwilling to face reality. But whose reality is it? I'm obviously rejecting it on some level.
So I'm here. Here I am. I'm trying to make peace with it, so that I can move on, so that I can be one of those people you read about some day who, despite all odds, and despite the "economic conditions." I want to be one of those people who does something amazing for herself and her loved ones- who finds a way to be her own boss, to do what she loves as a career, to live her life to the absolute fullest. Life is not about working to earn money. Life is about living.
But I stray. We all do. Sometimes our faith is so strong, and then it falters, and we're disgusted with The Way Things Work. When in reality, the BIG reality, the way things work is probably a lot better than it seems. And I flip flop, too- my dreams are sometimes so big, so full of life, summoning such strength and force through me that I feel absolutely alive. And other times, I'm tired. Other times, I think "I won't ever have the discipline to achieve that. It's not that important, that I'd be willing to give up my time or money." Or I think, "I can't do that, or at least it would be very hard to even try." Why? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of wanting, and not getting/doing/being. I'm afraid if I want too much, I'll be so disappointed when it does not come.
Fuck that.
Fuck fear.
And here's another thing, anyway: you can't stop wanting. You can pretend, and hide it even from yourself, but you cannot stop asking for the things you realize you want. Ever. Oh, you can resist not getting them (which is often why they don't come), and you can think about how much you dislike not having them (another reason). You can think about failing the task, and all the hardships that might come along the way, and just never begin the journey. But here's the thing: if you could just think of that thing you want, and why you want it, you could summon such life through you that those hardships would seem to disappear.
It's so clear to me, at times. We really do make far too much of this game called creation. So, how does one remain focused on the things that summon life force through them? How do you do it when all around people are reminding you of their troubles, the world's troubles, the unlikeliness of success, etc.?
Just remember your inner self crying out "That doesn't apply to me!" Because that inner self? Way smarter than the self that listens to gossip.
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Date: 2010-10-01 12:35 pm (UTC)But things will get better & you won't be there forever. :)
*hugs*
My brother has a BA in Art History & he's working as many hours as he can at Game Stop. It's sad really...but it's good that he likes video games so much. ;)
Everything else going ok? How's married life treating you?
no subject
Date: 2010-10-01 02:23 pm (UTC)Life is great otherwise! Jared is wonderful, the kitties are happy, and there is a great wide world of opportunity for us out there. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-10-01 11:19 pm (UTC)