Ebb and Flow Part II
Mar. 24th, 2010 02:54 pmI realized one of the major reasons I don't like to consider myself a part of a community is because I am not, by nature, the kind of person who likes to share herself with others. I am not, admittedly, very confident or strong in who I am. Left on my own, I can blossom naturally and be at peace with myself- but when others come into my life, especially in an area that is so important to me, I find myself becoming too flexible, too conformist. I am not proud of that. It comes from a place of fear that I have been slowly learning to heal for a almost a decade.
But I have never been a social creature. I have always kept a wall between the world and my heart, and there are scarce few who I have allowed past that wall. Even fewer who I have allowed in. I have stood on the outside looking in since I became self-aware at the awkward age of ten, and I have too often not liked what I have seen. People hurting people. People getting hurt. Pettiness. (In all honesty, I would prefer a good, solid betrayal that can be forgiven, rather than petty slights that somehow feel more honest.) And I cannot help but be sensitive to this- I am an empath, and can hardly tell whose emotion is whose when I feel them sometimes.
So in the meantime I have become cautious about who I associate myself with. I've twice been burned by pagan communities. Countless times been hurt by friends. Too many times been abused by lovers. But I have found my true love, have I not? And I have found real, good, true friends. And in these recent (very recent) realizations I wonder if I have found my pagan community? The world wide matrix of truly good people and their bright, compassionate energies- the curious way we fall into each others paths, unplanned- the beautiful moments and epiphanies that we share with each other, that uncover truths even in the people who were not there to experience them.
It would be just like witches to have their true home in the ether. ;)
So here is my conclusion, and I am sure it will still feel wrong to many of you, but I must own up to what I really think: it doesn't matter what other people think when they hear the word "pagan" or "witch" because those are good, magical words to me, and my spirituality is mine alone. But I still prefer not to use those words with strangers, or "the uninitiated," or people I just feel aren't ready to hear those words. I don't want to push anyone's buttons, just like I don't want them to push mine. Passive? Perhaps. But I am not here to make people better. It is not my mission to force acceptance down everyone's throats. I can live out and proud, but still have my secret. And I like having my secret.
Ok, back to work.
Ps: the sun is STILL out! :D
But I have never been a social creature. I have always kept a wall between the world and my heart, and there are scarce few who I have allowed past that wall. Even fewer who I have allowed in. I have stood on the outside looking in since I became self-aware at the awkward age of ten, and I have too often not liked what I have seen. People hurting people. People getting hurt. Pettiness. (In all honesty, I would prefer a good, solid betrayal that can be forgiven, rather than petty slights that somehow feel more honest.) And I cannot help but be sensitive to this- I am an empath, and can hardly tell whose emotion is whose when I feel them sometimes.
So in the meantime I have become cautious about who I associate myself with. I've twice been burned by pagan communities. Countless times been hurt by friends. Too many times been abused by lovers. But I have found my true love, have I not? And I have found real, good, true friends. And in these recent (very recent) realizations I wonder if I have found my pagan community? The world wide matrix of truly good people and their bright, compassionate energies- the curious way we fall into each others paths, unplanned- the beautiful moments and epiphanies that we share with each other, that uncover truths even in the people who were not there to experience them.
It would be just like witches to have their true home in the ether. ;)
So here is my conclusion, and I am sure it will still feel wrong to many of you, but I must own up to what I really think: it doesn't matter what other people think when they hear the word "pagan" or "witch" because those are good, magical words to me, and my spirituality is mine alone. But I still prefer not to use those words with strangers, or "the uninitiated," or people I just feel aren't ready to hear those words. I don't want to push anyone's buttons, just like I don't want them to push mine. Passive? Perhaps. But I am not here to make people better. It is not my mission to force acceptance down everyone's throats. I can live out and proud, but still have my secret. And I like having my secret.
Ok, back to work.
Ps: the sun is STILL out! :D