Samsara

-I'm moving right along building the web site for The Green Buffalo, my parents' new business venture in the world of all-natural lifestyles. We've got a table booked at the Buffalo Niagara Green Expo; we had our logo spruced up by Laura, and now it's on its way to a screen printer so that we can have t-shirts in time for the expo. We're going to try and hire some salespeople there, and pique interest in our products.

-In the mail yesterday I received a signed contract, $50 money order (as down payment), and a flash drive from the man whose novella I will be editing/proofreading. I've got 6 weeks to do it on top of everything else, but I'll do it. And I'll get another $450 for it! :D (*note to self, re-post add on craigslist)

-I was doing theoretical budgets last night, and I realized that I am quite comfortable at the moment. When Jared's here and paying his half of the rent, I'll be easily independent, while still capable of contributing to paying off his student loans, saving for vacations, and just saving in general. Nice! also, I realized I've got quite a bit of money in the bank... shows how much attention I pay to my bank statements...

-All that worrying I did just a few weeks ago is so embarrassing right now; life is shaping up so nicely. The Universe provides! Maybe it's springtime, or maybe it's the flow of energy into so many different areas of my life, but I feel more powerful and determined than ever. And at the same time, almost care-free. I have things I want. I want to lose my winter weight, and little more before the wedding; I want to write more; I want a publishing contract; I want to travel more. But I'm content just imagining it, fantasizing about it, and really enjoying the place I'm at right now. There's so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to.

-Met with the florist/old family friend this morning to discuss flowers for the wedding. So overwhelming! All the pretty flowers = too many choices. I've decided on a general shape (medium-small-ish, somewhat cascading) for the bouquet, and wildflowers for the tables, but thank god we've got plenty of time before a decision has to be made. Oi! Weddings.

-Jared's thinking about getting a pet rat soon. I love all animals, but it's been a while since I've had a bond with one of the rodent variety. Maybe there's a lesson waiting to be learned in this future rat. But anyway, do any of you know of "squeak-free wheels" or cures for squeaky wheels? Cause I will hear it all night long and never sleep again if the rat has a squeaky wheel.

Joy! :D

Another late night entry, despite the fact that an hour ago (actually from 5pm on) I was exhausted, and now am suddenly awake.

I have been thinking a lot lately about Boys. You know, not just the gender, but the idea of them in my life. I haz none :p Not that that's a bad thing. I'm so busy with my writing that I hardly have time for anything else, and soon I'll be adding full time school and part time work to that schedule, plus belly dance on weekends if I have anything to say about it. But, the idea of boyfriends has come up repeatedly in psychic readings (apparently I have an admirer that I don't even know?! But he's not stalking me... hmm... confirmed by two separate mediums!), and thus in conversation, and (lo!) in my dreams. And yet... I have no great desire to be in a relationship right now. I'm feeling far too selfish and absorbed in my storytelling to make time for dates.

But, something occurred to me today. Last night I dreamed (among other strange things) about being set up to meet a guy, and because I liked him I intentionally avoided interacting with him. Symbolism much? Am I afraid of another relationship? No. But I've decided that I'm done with dating. The next person I do "date," I want to be The One.

It's Love that I'm slightly preoccupied with, I think. I write characters that have the most beautiful love for one another; I shamelessly adore books that have wonderful love stories at the heart. I am, by nature (believe it or not), a very loving person. I am fiercely loyal, and that is why it has been so difficult for me, in the past, to end relationships that I really knew were not going to succeed.

So, I want love. The type of intimate love that comes from a partner in crime/life. But I don't want a boyfriend. How do I reconcile this? I don't really know. I've been getting a lot of "love" lately (praise for my writing, mostly) and I am intensely grateful for it. I find myself, again and again, in amazement of the sincere friendships I share with certain people, and the wonderful relationships I have with my parents and, to a degree, my older brothers. But there is something different about a "lover's" love (besides the physical stuff :P).

I'm just babbling really (it's late and I've been known to get loopy at these hours). I suppose I'm hashing out what I want, sorting through the contrast to launch new desires. It's important to know what you want, and just now I figured it out: I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner. And I think that's really what's been holding me back from meeting him: I've only ever had boyfriends and mutual infatuations, so how can I imagine the bliss of a perfect union?

Well, easily. I write about it, don't I?

Awesome practice #4: write out a scenario involving perfect love between yourself and your soulmate. At the very least, it will fill you will joy just to daydream about it :)

Ah, livejournal. I could have written that in a notebook, but announcing it to the world makes it all the more powerful.

So, hello law of attraction, your evidence is manifold today. I was mid-post of this entry when I read my best friend's entry that dealt partially with the fear that this directly opposes...

I realized last night when I was washing my face (a typical time for a mind-boggling realization) that... I don't care if The Lotus Children series ever gets published.

Jiggawhat?

I know. It's still weird to me. But I've written Renaissance, and I love it, and I still love all the characters, and the story, and some day I will write the other six books. But... I don't know. Maybe it's because the story is so close to my heart- it's a part of me that represents much more than how well I tell stories, or how stubborn I must be to hold onto an idea for (going on) fourteen years. But as long as I do tell the story, at least once, I know that it is enough. It's such a relief to not care.

Of course, that won't stop me from trying to get it published.

I... I can't tell if I feel this way about all of my stories. I have a feeling of certainty that gets in the way- I am certain I will be published soon. So, if I say "i don't care if I ever get published" is that partially because I already know I will be? I guess it doesn't matter. I have high hopes for so many of my novels and stories- but if this one or that one never hits the presses, who cares? I'm young- I have a lifetime of story ideas waiting for me.

And of course, once I'm super famous the publishers will eat up anything they can get from me- am I right? ;D Ahh optimism.