Samsara

First: to all of you who left me such lovely, heartfelt encouragement and strength in the comments of my last entry, thank you SO MUCH. I would have responded to each of you but it basically would just be virtual blubbering and hugging, so I do that here, now: *HUGS* *LOVE* *TEARS* THANK YOU!

I feel much better today. I think a part of me knew this was coming--I had done Tarot readings at the hermitage that, at the time, I refused to believe because they were either a) too good to be true, or b) too frightening to delve into. Back then, I was haunted by images of Death, but I was also deep into a spiral of depression and anxiety. Even though I *never* interpret Death as death, I kept going back there. But I've also had a paranoid vibe at work since forever. And I totally read about me receiving inheritance, and I thought it too good to be true (plus my mother had told me we weren't in my grandfather's will, and I hadn't expected it anyway). But lo, my parents decided to give each of their kids a substantial gift. And lo, Death came and terminated my job at the lamest excuse for a business ever.

Today, I feel shameful joy. I'm working on the shame part. But the world would have me believe that it's not okay to be happy about this, about uncertainty, and unstable income, and lack of being a "contributing member of society." It would tell me I can't be happy when I don't know what the outcome of my unemployment is yet. It would tell me I have to take the first job that comes along, even if it sends me right back into a black hole of depression and anxiety.

But you know what? I'm happy. I don't ever have to go into that toxic, poisonous office ever again. I don't ever have to worry about my shitty boss being in a pissy mood, or doing a shitty, poorly designed project, skirting the edges of ethical. I don't have to worry about getting approval for time off, leaving early, having time to pick up my husband, get to a doctor's appointment, being late because of traffic, being temporarily laid off just because the president is a cheap mother fucker... I could go on about what I'm leaving behind, but let's not. Let's... leave it behind.

Today, I woke up with crazy hair because I went to bed with it damp. Here's another secret admission (theme of the week): I love when my hair is insane. I have "curly" hair, but it usually settles into waves on the second day. Sometimes when I go to bed with damp hair I wake up with this MASSIVE LION FRO and it is AMAZING. I feel fine going out into the world with that, but to the office? It feels "unprofessional." So I have to wet it down and comb it out until I look respectable (metaphor?). Since I got faux bangs at my last haircut (bangs that are pretty much always swept aside) my hair gets even crazier around my face. I think next time I get my hair cut I'm just going to ask them to cut it in whatever way makes my hair the BIGGEST. Because why not?

Also today, I put on my teal corduroy pants and my most comfortable tee shirt, thinking "fuck business casual" the whole time. I woke up feeling giddy, goofy... kind of blossoming. I feel like I'm slowly rising out from my prison. Slowly remembering who and what I am. I can wear hair flowers now, since I don't have to worry about a headset messing them up. And so long as I'm willing to dye over it if need be when a job opportunity comes up, I can totally take advantage of the toner being faded from my recent highlights and dye that shit FIRE ENGINE RED or TEAL or GREEN or FUSCIA. I can do what I mother fucking want.

I'm at Spot Coffee right now, in Williamsville. I decided to go here after I dropped off Jared, and have the coffee I would have been having in the afternoon. I'll be writing in a moment. I'm beginning to live the life I've been dreaming of. It hasn't come as expected, and it's scary, and it's by no means stable. But I have to focus on the positive. I must see this as an opportunity. And I really do--it's just so hard, in the face of so much societal conditioning, to say "I'm happy I got fired."

So, I've given you three secrets this week:

1) I think I'm a fucking awesome writer.
2) I love when my hair is huge and curly and crazy.
3) I'm happy I got fired from my shitty job.

Hell yes! What other secrets can I share with you? I'll think about it...

Okay, screw Create Space, I found a site (authorhouse.com) that offers a better package at half the price. Not 100% sold there either, but it's a firm NO to createspace in the meantime. There's a lot of research I'm still doing, and I don't expect to commit any time soon, but finding all these different options is exciting. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter of self publishing and other independent production ideas, but that I'll have to write out next week because...

Apparently we are off from work ALL next week (without pay), and potential the first THREE weeks of January. Ugh. I don't think that's going to happen, but it's a possibility. Basically, because all of our contracts are over with, the company would lose money having us come in until the new contracts begin. It is supposed to be a very busy quarter for us, so i'm not worried about getting laid off or anything. I just wish there was a better system in place so I could have known ahead of time and made arrangements.

But, on the bright side (ALWAYS LOOK on the BRIGHT SIDE) I have at least a week to relax. And I WILL be relaxin'. Meditating, writing, getting some Bikram in (hopefully). Going on long walks. Napping :p

So that's good :)

Tonight is Christmas Even for Jared and I- we're having our own Christmas morning tomorrow so we're not rushed Saturday. Then I've got to make my Chipotle Mashed Sweet Potatoes for dinner the next day, and then we're off to my Aunt Cathy's place for our traditional Christmas Eve debauchery, lol. We were talking about trying to find a good place to go for midnight mass, but all of them start too early for my liking- 10:30 is nowhere close to midnight ;p

So if I'm not online until after then, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

I'm in such a good place right now. I'm not even overly ecstatic, but I can work myself up to it in very little time (probably by the end of this post). Things are just so good right now, in a peaceful-but-joyous kind of way.

I realized, for all my worrying and skimping when I was unemployed, I actually have quite a bit in my checking account, just sitting there. I'm not gonna go out an spend it all, but it's just so relaxing to suddenly realize that. I don't know why i didn't realize it before- maybe because when it's all I have it doesn't seem like so much, but when it's "extra" it's a lot? Actually, it's just because I changed my perspective. I changed my perspective, and everything changed. But now that I have money coming in, the small amount in my checking account looks huge, since it's not what I'm relying on to support myself.

Also, in two weeks I will be moving into the new apartment! How exciting. I've been resisting the nesting urge so far because I don't want to buy anything before we move, but the interior decorator inside of me is full to bursting with creativity. Paint colors, window fixtures and drapery ideas, furniture arrangement, a kitchen-window herb garden... heee so exciting. Moving is going to be a pain in the ass- we have a huge desk we bought from Sarah and Laura's place of work that will have to be picked up and then hauled up to the third floor where we'll be living. But all will work out, I'm sure. Besides, I already have it easy in that I'm just moving next door, and Jared's got it easy since he just doesn't have much stuff to move.

Also, we're talking about our honeymoon plans. We were originally thinking about Mexico, but realized that most of the tours are closed when we'd be looking to go. Now we're thinking about getting a B&B in New England somewhere near the coast, or maybe Vermont where we could go visit Ben & Jerry, haha. For serious. I've got a travel agent I've used before, it's probably time to give her a call again.

Ok. Off to work. Have a great Monday everyone!

Guess who's got an interview with Dial America tomorrow?

D:

This makes me wonder if there's any chance in hell that my back might possibly be stronger than I think and if it is worth investigating. 10 hours a week at Starbucks with possible pain is starting to look lovely, rather than a 20 to 30 hour commitment to cold-calling.