Samsara

Bear with me, this might get strange.

So I think a lot about imaginary people (because I'm a writer, and a reader) and I think a lot about story, and what aspects appeal to humans, and how, when things are taken too far, maybe people sometimes expect real life to be like stories, which isn't impossible, but unlikely. And I think sometimes about these characters that go through so much and finally achieve their huge, massive goal--and then what? What drives them forward? Do they get their happily ever after? Or does the story go on? Or rather, do they begin a different story?

Happily ever after is widely accepted as a myth these days, because we know that time and life doesn't stand still. You can't stay at the top forever. Problems arise, solutions must be sought. Stories must be lived.

I think about that a lot: what do are the characters' lives like after the story ends?

And then I hit my own milestone/climax-resolution yesterday. I finished the first draft of GHOST CITY, the first novel I've started and finished since 2010 when I posted the last chapter of The Poppet and the Lune (unless you count my massive rewrite of THE HIEROPHANT). I felt like I should have been more exuberant, more over the moon for my accomplishment. I had to check to make sure I wasn't suppressing joy in favor of doubt (as I do). I wasn't. I was excited, but no more excited than I'd been the days before. I'm excited for the book! But the story goes on, well after the first draft, as any writer knows. And I'm more excited to move forward onto the next stage of crafting this story than I am excited that I finished one stage of it.

It's a little bit like me getting fired. I'm far more excited and enthusiastic about being free and living my life as I've dreamed, than I am excited to be free of my terrible day job.

That's not to say that when I do finish a final, polished, ready-for-submission draft that I won't be exploding with joy, but that's a slightly larger milestone to meet.

Relief is more the feeling I had yesterday. I was relieved that I made it through the whole thing. I was relieved that I had it in me, another story, another novel. I was relieved that my decisions about the novel, whether they were the "right" ones or not, were good decisions. I was relieved that I could do it. I can do it. I can write novels, and more than just the ones I've already written.

I have a feeling I will feel that same relief with the first draft of every novel I will ever write.

He is the sweetest, most playful, most adorable little guy. He's so incredibly smart, and is learning very quickly. I'm learning a lot, too, about being a different kind of mom--being a mother to cats is much easier, for one thing. Being a mother to a dog in a house full of cats is no picnic. The cats are adjusting though--Luke spends most of his time upstairs still, but he does come down to use the litter box, and even comes to sniff around when Rusty is sitting on the couch with me. Lando is being strangely dominant, which I can't say is a surprise, but it's a little unexpected. He usually just doesn't care about things--he's very interested in Rusty though, especially in letting Rusty know who's boss. Leto is nervous, but not nervous enough to stay out of the kitchen when he thinks there might be food for him to steal ;D

But mostly, the big difference between owning cats and dogs is, owning a dog requires a lot more time, focus, energy, and selflessness. And it's surprisingly easy for me to give those things away to something I love. <3

Anyway, I'm reading a lot on dog training methods (positive reinforcement!) and feeding choices (no grain, all natural!). But if any of you veteran dog owners have any suggestions on how to train a dog that is too smart for its own (or my own?) good, let me know! 

I've finally backed away from the edge of desperation that i'd been tracing for a while. *phew* life was just getting a wee bit out of control there for a while. But I had some breakthroughs this weekend and week, despite still living out of boxes and STILL getting the rest of our stuff from the apartment. I don't even want to talk about that.

But I discovered a lovely little coffee shop a few blocks from my house, and I plan on many pilgrimages there. And I plugged in my keyboard the other night and played for a while. And I even hauled out my cello and tuned it and played, and dear sweet baby jeebus did that feel good. Unfortunately its the cheapest piece of crap cello one can buy, so it never really sounds all that great. I'd like to buy a better one someday, because I seriously need to play more often--I was totally ramped up after I played, and I was in an amazing mood for 24 straight hours. I'm still feeling pretty good. But I go through weird musical phases, you know? I won't deny that I have musical talent, I can pick up any instrument and play it... A little. And there are so many instruments I love to play. So if I want to get really good at one... How would I choose? And I go through phases where I'm way more excited about one over the others. Like, I think maybe if I took lessons on piano is get really good. I can play a lot now, I can play Brick by Ben Folds, and some Radiohead songs, and I'm decent at composition too. But I've always felt a kinship with the guitar, and it just so happens my husband got a free guitar from work that they were going to throw out, that my dad got fixed up cheap, that sounds amazing, that was actually a $700 guitar when it came out in the 70's... And its the perfect size for me. And there's my ukulele which I love, which I want to get in tenor too, and even a banjolele if I can find one for a good price.

But then there's the CELLO, which I did play for four years in school, and even though I rarely play now I'm still okay, and it is still THE GREATEST INSTRUMENT OF ALL TIME in my humble opinion. (I also read a book recently where the MC was a cellist and I was so jealous of her fictional life because she had kept playing...)

I don't know I don't know...

This is the story of my life, of course. I have big broad interests that I can't choose my favorites from. It's why I still haven't begun to learn a second language, and why I haven't devoted nearly enough time to my pursuit if visual arts. (I <3 photography, painting, sculpture, drawing, making movies and animations... Eventually I WILL be sectioning off some part of my office for animating purposes!)

I realize that I've entered a phase of my creative recovery that is like a dam opening too much too fast. I need to focus, let the energy flow instead of flood. But it's hard! There is so much I want to do! Not to mention the ideas I have for my house, inside and out.

These are good problems to have though, so I will stop complaining now ;D

Also, jfyi, we will have our internet hooked up this weekend! So I will be back online and able to read AND comment on you entries again! Reading is easy on my phone, but commenting takes way too long, and is very unreliable. So I apologize for my lack of responseyness!




Posted via LjBeetle

I'm working ten hour days all week to make up some hours from last weeks vacation. I was going to not do it on the grounds that they don't pay overtime at work, but then they decided, just for this week, they are doing overtime. So. I have to work open to close. Every day. And that's why I've only got time for this quick update, and haven't been commenting lately.

Also keeping me from communication is the fact that we've been looking to buy a house. And Tuesday we looked at three... and put a bid on a little yellow house in South Buffalo that we immediately fell head-over-heels in love with. And Wednesday we went back to look it over with my parents, who also loved it, and while we were there our realtor got a phone call-- our FIRST BID was ACCEPTED, at almost 6,000 less than the asking price. SO WE'RE BUYING A HOUSE YOU GUYS. All today at work I was emailing back and forth with the realtor, the mortgage guy, the attorney we're trying to get ahold of, and playing phone tag with the house inspector. We've got 7 days to get it inspected, but it's a holiday weekend and we're going to be gone camping- I get back Monday (Jared's got the whole week off) and Tuesday night after work I'm meeting the inspector at the house. Wednesday I'm taking a long lunch to meet with the mortgage guy (what's his title? no one's told me!). HOPEFULLY the attorney will get back to me tomorrow morning, and everything will go smoothly, and we'll be moving in at the end of AUGUST.

XD

Also, last weekend, as I'm sure you all know by now, NEW YORK STATE LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE OMG AND THERE WAS SO MUCH SQUEEING ON THE PHONE THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. And now, my bestest best friend in the world is getting married at the end of September, for legal-realz :} <3333

And one more thing: I'm meeting my half brother for the first time in 15 days.

Weird.

I LOVE YOU GUYS

My birthday is next week, Tuesday- slightly overshadowed by the fact that Sarah and I are releasing our very first published books into the world. I'll be 26 years old.

Time and age and birthdays are a very weird thing to me. I have a loose sense of all of them. I always, always celebrate change, even change as ambiguous as the passage of time. I've always celebrated my birthday, too- not necessarily for my birth, but for an excuse to celebrate something, together, with friends.

I'm not disappointed that I'm not going to have time for a birthday party this year. But I'm craving some time to reflect, to really sit still and look at life and the places I've been. Life has been a whirlwind since 2008- writing The Hierophant in 3 months, going to England for a semester, coming home, meeting Jared, graduating from college, moving, getting married, finishing TPaL, getting a job, and self publishing... and I'm beginning to realize, that's life. When it slows down, I'll be dead.

I'd like to sit down and make some goals. I'd like to look at what I want in the next ten years, where I think I'm going. I'd like time to really appreciate what I've done up to this year, and take the time to be celebrate in my own way.

Hopefully after the book release I'll not only get time back for writing, but have a day or so to just relax and meditate and walk, and be with my thoughts.

(Although, you know, if I'm busy being an overnight SENSATION I won't complain ;D)

I think I'm addicted to lists.

I was blathering on yesterday to Jared about how overwhelmed I was with the things that need to get done- and I mean really blathering on and on and on and verging on moping (and he took it like a good husband lol). Finally I ended it all with a sad little: "I need to make lists."

It's so true though- there's so much going on, so much I need to do and take care of, so much in life and in publishing and in love and in etcetera that if I try to look at all of it at once I want to crawl under the covers and hide.

Well, that won't do. So I've got to make lists, and a tentative (REALISTIC) schedule. And I've got to get this stuff done, or at least started.

This is the thing about being a proud-and-out-loud dreamer, and doing lots of awesome things- you really have to stop yourself from thinking too much about how you're going to get it all done. Cause that's where doubt sneaks in. That's where evil little tendrils of darkness slither between the cracks and dislodge the cornerstones of your faith. Sounds weird, I know, but I do a better job when I'm not thinking about how.

I guess it's like dancing. Even in ballroom-style dances with specific steps, one dances best when they just go with it. If they start thinking about where their feet are, it's over.

But, you know, now that I've looked, it's looming over me and I can't look away. So I shall tame the beat by breaking it into pieces and listing each THING that needs to be done. Thus, victory shall be mine.

MINE.

Okay, that's my Friday rant. ;D

I think spring has sprung for me. I don't care if it's not for another few weeks- I feel more alive than I have all winter. I have more energy, more focus, and a higher tolerance to the lingering cold. I want to clean everything- purge the apartment as well as my self- we're starting a mild cleanse next week and I'm excited for it. I've been keeping up with my daily meditation, and it's been easy to do so! Unlike ever before, when it was always something forgotten or put on the bottom of my priority list.

I'm so excited. I feel so much more balanced than I have in such a long time, and I think tonight- yes! tonight!- I'm going to start writing again. I'm going to try something new, too- writing whatever I feel like at the time. I have a few projects to choose from, some old and some new, and I think I know which ones are calling to me the strongest- we shall see.

I've been pulling tarot cards at work the past two days, and OMG if I was looking for signs then the deck has given them: first a sign to get the ball rolling on a super secret project, then a sign that it's time to start sprouting. I've been enriching the soil all winter, and growing my roots this past week, and now I'm ready to let my head peak up above the topsoil. I have the ten of cups hanging over my monitor today, and it screams abundance. Also, new magnets that are unbearably cute, very not like me, but their enormous eyes and tiny smiles and ridiculous illustrated happiness make me happy too, so right now I feel full-to-bursting with Happy.

Also, this super secret project I'm working on... it makes me so happy to even think about it. Unfortunately there are various circumstances that prevent me from just blasting ahead full-steam, but I'm doing what I can in the meantime, which is a lot of research and brainstorming. Oh it feels good. I feel big. I don't know how else to describe it- just vast and expansive like the sky.

SPRING!

It's almost WARM out!!!!

Sarah and I went for a walk last night. A long, glorious, moon-lit, non-shivering, spring-smelling walk. We talked a LOT about life, and writing, and destiny, and instinct. It was so good. I feel much better about a lot of things, and I definitely have a renewed sense of direction.

I started re-listening to some of the Abraham-Hicks CDs I burned from my parents a while ago, and it's been kind of ridiculous. Everything I've been thinking about lately, ideas that have come to me, questions I've had... they are all confirmed or addressed in the past 48 hours of car-time-listening I've done. Amazing how I could listen to those CDs so many times, and only hear certain parts now.

Anyway, I feel much more empowered again. Not *completely* back to where I was, but getting there, and gaining momentum.

I want to make lists again. That's always a good thing. ;D

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

This weekend Jared and I are going to the Thousand Islands with Pete and Katie for a mini-retreat! I've been so looking forward to this, on multiple levels. First off, I've never been there, and that's always an adventure. Second, we're not obligated to do anything but have fun. I know Pete and Katie and I will use a lot of the time to work on creative projects, read, relax... it's perfect timing, really, because I just want to sit around and make lists and think about things, novels, directions, plans. Plus, I hear talk of drunken board games happening, and that's always fun...

And then last but not least, I had a dream I was riding a black alpaca through a city, and busking with my ukulele. That, also, I just thought I'd share. ;D

As Samhain approached, I mentally prepared myself for the increasingly cold weather and the fewer and fewer hours of sunlight. I said to myself "Maddie, you know what happens every year. You fight winter as if it is an enemy holding you back from your goals. It's not. Winter is your teacher, if you let it be. Embrace the dreamtime, and make it work for you."

So, I didn't really know how to do that. I just told myself I would, and let it go. I assumed it meant not expected much from myself, but that's not it at all.

This morning as I was writing in my morning pages, I really began to understand. Artists and their projects need several things to truly flourish: a deep, filled well of images and ideas to draw from (not quite inspiration, but similar); a solid foundation in themselves and their mind and heart; and faith. (There are definitely more things but these are what occurred to me today). Winter is the perfect time to gather and build these things.

This winter, in addition to not stressing, I have a lot of inner work to do. I have a lot of research to do, a lot of planning, a lot of thinking, if I am going to truly self publish The Poppet and the Lune. That alone could take up plenty of time and energy, but it's all very singular, very "alone" kind of work. I might share findings I am excited about, but just like writing, I'm in it alone in the end even with the gracious support of friends. Now that we are down to one car, I pick up Jared downtown at 4:30 every day. This means I might as well spend an hour or so at the Buffalo Central Library (once I pay that late fee) researching and reading, at least once or twice a week.

In addition to major goals, I have small goals to address as well. I want to begin taking weekly piano lessons (I've been looking for a while on craigslist), which will mean at least an hour a week for lessons (including travel), and practicing every day. This is something powerful for me- even as an amateur with a "good ear" I have a strong positive response to noodling on the piano or teaching myself new songs, no matter the difficulty. The medium our family is friends with once told me that playing piano was something spirit strongly encouraged me to do, to help foster ideas for writing. It's also something I've just wanted to do forever, and am finally in a financial position where I can afford to :)

There are other small goals as well. I want to begin learning French, and get into habits of exercise, and back to doing Bikram at least once a week. I want to make our home cozier, to build some new traditions for Jared and myself, to make the holidays special for us as our own family as well as with our greater family.

Sarah and I are figuring out the details of beginning our own meditation circle starting in January, every other Wednesday night, which is a medium sized project I suppose, but one I'm very excited for and that leads me into the next thing...

The dreamtime is a time for dreaming. A time to reconnect yourself with Yourself, your higher self, the one who is really pulling all the strings. Spiritually, I feel that I have been called more and more over this past year to truly focus on my spiritual life as a Pagan, to study more pantheons, to maintain a better altar, to really listen to the messages from the divine, and to do all these things within the unique context of what they mean to me (because I'm fairly certain my take on these activities are very different from a lot of pagans). (Also, as a side note, Jared and I had an amazing conversation yesterday about male spirituality and the Norse pantheon, and I'm excited about where it's all going for him!) In my life, one of my most constant and greatest goals has been to deepen the connection I have with the divine and with spirit. It is also something I tend to put aside because there is "so much on my plate." Not this winter.

As for creative acts, I know I can't not write. But I can be playful about it (and shouldn't it always be playful?). I can focus on outlines, very very rough drafts, short stories about the silly concepts Jared and I laugh about when we walk around our neighborhood together. I will be writing, and working on projects, but it will be lightly, with an easy and joyful attitude.

I am thrilled, and I am blessed, and I am looking forward to all that I will accomplish in the coming season, even if it can't be measured in word count.

I'm sure I've envisioned it all to be a lot easier than it really will be, but it's a start. I'm not going to make huge demands on myself. I will only demand that I not watch movies/netflix/hulu before a certain hour, and that I make my forms of entertainment as enriching as possible.

L'chaim!

So much to update about, and I probably will later when I'm procrastinating at the FIRST WRITE-IN for National Novel Writing Month!!! But, suffice to say I had a fantastic weekend, seeing old friends and making new, and having quite possibly the best Samhain ever.

I feel reborn :)

Happy November!