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Another late night entry, despite the fact that an hour ago (actually from 5pm on) I was exhausted, and now am suddenly awake.
I have been thinking a lot lately about Boys. You know, not just the gender, but the idea of them in my life. I haz none :p Not that that's a bad thing. I'm so busy with my writing that I hardly have time for anything else, and soon I'll be adding full time school and part time work to that schedule, plus belly dance on weekends if I have anything to say about it. But, the idea of boyfriends has come up repeatedly in psychic readings (apparently I have an admirer that I don't even know?! But he's not stalking me... hmm... confirmed by two separate mediums!), and thus in conversation, and (lo!) in my dreams. And yet... I have no great desire to be in a relationship right now. I'm feeling far too selfish and absorbed in my storytelling to make time for dates.
But, something occurred to me today. Last night I dreamed (among other strange things) about being set up to meet a guy, and because I liked him I intentionally avoided interacting with him. Symbolism much? Am I afraid of another relationship? No. But I've decided that I'm done with dating. The next person I do "date," I want to be The One.
It's Love that I'm slightly preoccupied with, I think. I write characters that have the most beautiful love for one another; I shamelessly adore books that have wonderful love stories at the heart. I am, by nature (believe it or not), a very loving person. I am fiercely loyal, and that is why it has been so difficult for me, in the past, to end relationships that I really knew were not going to succeed.
So, I want love. The type of intimate love that comes from a partner in crime/life. But I don't want a boyfriend. How do I reconcile this? I don't really know. I've been getting a lot of "love" lately (praise for my writing, mostly) and I am intensely grateful for it. I find myself, again and again, in amazement of the sincere friendships I share with certain people, and the wonderful relationships I have with my parents and, to a degree, my older brothers. But there is something different about a "lover's" love (besides the physical stuff :P).
I'm just babbling really (it's late and I've been known to get loopy at these hours). I suppose I'm hashing out what I want, sorting through the contrast to launch new desires. It's important to know what you want, and just now I figured it out: I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner. And I think that's really what's been holding me back from meeting him: I've only ever had boyfriends and mutual infatuations, so how can I imagine the bliss of a perfect union?
Well, easily. I write about it, don't I?
Awesome practice #4: write out a scenario involving perfect love between yourself and your soulmate. At the very least, it will fill you will joy just to daydream about it :)
Ah, livejournal. I could have written that in a notebook, but announcing it to the world makes it all the more powerful.
I have been thinking a lot lately about Boys. You know, not just the gender, but the idea of them in my life. I haz none :p Not that that's a bad thing. I'm so busy with my writing that I hardly have time for anything else, and soon I'll be adding full time school and part time work to that schedule, plus belly dance on weekends if I have anything to say about it. But, the idea of boyfriends has come up repeatedly in psychic readings (apparently I have an admirer that I don't even know?! But he's not stalking me... hmm... confirmed by two separate mediums!), and thus in conversation, and (lo!) in my dreams. And yet... I have no great desire to be in a relationship right now. I'm feeling far too selfish and absorbed in my storytelling to make time for dates.
But, something occurred to me today. Last night I dreamed (among other strange things) about being set up to meet a guy, and because I liked him I intentionally avoided interacting with him. Symbolism much? Am I afraid of another relationship? No. But I've decided that I'm done with dating. The next person I do "date," I want to be The One.
It's Love that I'm slightly preoccupied with, I think. I write characters that have the most beautiful love for one another; I shamelessly adore books that have wonderful love stories at the heart. I am, by nature (believe it or not), a very loving person. I am fiercely loyal, and that is why it has been so difficult for me, in the past, to end relationships that I really knew were not going to succeed.
So, I want love. The type of intimate love that comes from a partner in crime/life. But I don't want a boyfriend. How do I reconcile this? I don't really know. I've been getting a lot of "love" lately (praise for my writing, mostly) and I am intensely grateful for it. I find myself, again and again, in amazement of the sincere friendships I share with certain people, and the wonderful relationships I have with my parents and, to a degree, my older brothers. But there is something different about a "lover's" love (besides the physical stuff :P).
I'm just babbling really (it's late and I've been known to get loopy at these hours). I suppose I'm hashing out what I want, sorting through the contrast to launch new desires. It's important to know what you want, and just now I figured it out: I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner. And I think that's really what's been holding me back from meeting him: I've only ever had boyfriends and mutual infatuations, so how can I imagine the bliss of a perfect union?
Well, easily. I write about it, don't I?
Awesome practice #4: write out a scenario involving perfect love between yourself and your soulmate. At the very least, it will fill you will joy just to daydream about it :)
Ah, livejournal. I could have written that in a notebook, but announcing it to the world makes it all the more powerful.
