saving up for the best you could afford

[lathriel]

Maybe I should still go to cape cod this January. Maybe I should sell/donate/throw out everything I own that I don't use on a regular basis. I need to reapply to ISV because they haven't responded and I must have effed up something in the application process. I still need to make an appointment to get my hair dyed. I also need to set up an office or work space in my bedroom. And I need to submit something for publication before Friday. Tomorrow is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. This morning my mother was complaining about a sears commercial that talked about how "you agreed not to get each other anything for christmas this year, but you both know that means you will" and how she and my father really don't get each other anything anymore. I said "I don't know where I get my romanticism from because you two certainly are not" and she said "once you've had three kids life's not so romantic anymore" and I said "it should be more romantic" and she said "well, gifts aren't always a good way to be romantic. The last romantic gift your father tried to give me was that huge gaudy diamond and emerald ring" and I stopped her right there because that ring, though indeed gaudy, was a very very romantic gesture that she and I have always disagreed about. She was mad at him for giving it to her because it was ugly. I thought she should have at least been delighted that he would put such effort into the damn thing, and after 25 years of marriage still think it was worth it to try and give her something special. I think my mother has become to "business" at christmas and not enough pleasure. Who gives gifts because they have to? You're supposed to do it because you really appreciate the people you are giving the gifts to.

I'm going to give myself the best gift of all this Christmas. Discipline. A creative regiment. A calendar of events and deadlines I must attend and meet. Only negotiable in terms of other creative projects. I figure acting on whim and temperament has not worked thus far, so I will have to bite my tongue and play whether I want to or not. And somewhere in there I will work in school and a social and family life, too. I'm very sick of having nothing to show for all my efforts.