Samsara

First: to all of you who left me such lovely, heartfelt encouragement and strength in the comments of my last entry, thank you SO MUCH. I would have responded to each of you but it basically would just be virtual blubbering and hugging, so I do that here, now: *HUGS* *LOVE* *TEARS* THANK YOU!

I feel much better today. I think a part of me knew this was coming--I had done Tarot readings at the hermitage that, at the time, I refused to believe because they were either a) too good to be true, or b) too frightening to delve into. Back then, I was haunted by images of Death, but I was also deep into a spiral of depression and anxiety. Even though I *never* interpret Death as death, I kept going back there. But I've also had a paranoid vibe at work since forever. And I totally read about me receiving inheritance, and I thought it too good to be true (plus my mother had told me we weren't in my grandfather's will, and I hadn't expected it anyway). But lo, my parents decided to give each of their kids a substantial gift. And lo, Death came and terminated my job at the lamest excuse for a business ever.

Today, I feel shameful joy. I'm working on the shame part. But the world would have me believe that it's not okay to be happy about this, about uncertainty, and unstable income, and lack of being a "contributing member of society." It would tell me I can't be happy when I don't know what the outcome of my unemployment is yet. It would tell me I have to take the first job that comes along, even if it sends me right back into a black hole of depression and anxiety.

But you know what? I'm happy. I don't ever have to go into that toxic, poisonous office ever again. I don't ever have to worry about my shitty boss being in a pissy mood, or doing a shitty, poorly designed project, skirting the edges of ethical. I don't have to worry about getting approval for time off, leaving early, having time to pick up my husband, get to a doctor's appointment, being late because of traffic, being temporarily laid off just because the president is a cheap mother fucker... I could go on about what I'm leaving behind, but let's not. Let's... leave it behind.

Today, I woke up with crazy hair because I went to bed with it damp. Here's another secret admission (theme of the week): I love when my hair is insane. I have "curly" hair, but it usually settles into waves on the second day. Sometimes when I go to bed with damp hair I wake up with this MASSIVE LION FRO and it is AMAZING. I feel fine going out into the world with that, but to the office? It feels "unprofessional." So I have to wet it down and comb it out until I look respectable (metaphor?). Since I got faux bangs at my last haircut (bangs that are pretty much always swept aside) my hair gets even crazier around my face. I think next time I get my hair cut I'm just going to ask them to cut it in whatever way makes my hair the BIGGEST. Because why not?

Also today, I put on my teal corduroy pants and my most comfortable tee shirt, thinking "fuck business casual" the whole time. I woke up feeling giddy, goofy... kind of blossoming. I feel like I'm slowly rising out from my prison. Slowly remembering who and what I am. I can wear hair flowers now, since I don't have to worry about a headset messing them up. And so long as I'm willing to dye over it if need be when a job opportunity comes up, I can totally take advantage of the toner being faded from my recent highlights and dye that shit FIRE ENGINE RED or TEAL or GREEN or FUSCIA. I can do what I mother fucking want.

I'm at Spot Coffee right now, in Williamsville. I decided to go here after I dropped off Jared, and have the coffee I would have been having in the afternoon. I'll be writing in a moment. I'm beginning to live the life I've been dreaming of. It hasn't come as expected, and it's scary, and it's by no means stable. But I have to focus on the positive. I must see this as an opportunity. And I really do--it's just so hard, in the face of so much societal conditioning, to say "I'm happy I got fired."

So, I've given you three secrets this week:

1) I think I'm a fucking awesome writer.
2) I love when my hair is huge and curly and crazy.
3) I'm happy I got fired from my shitty job.

Hell yes! What other secrets can I share with you? I'll think about it...

Ok, wrong season for that altered quote, but right whatevs.

What an odd weekend. Jared is here for good, though he still has a few car trips before he's completely moved-in. I think that's part of what is ungrounding about it- the not quite finished aspect of absolutely everything. Also, he's still waiting to hear from Heritage as to whether or not he got the job (cross you fingers plz!), and I know that's got to be rough for him- he's a Capricorn, and a dude, and if he's not being useful he feels useless. He's only been unemployed for 1 month since he was 15 years old though, so I think his ability to get and keep a job speaks for itself.

Anyway, what's awesome (besides everything) is that now that he's here it is SO MUCH EASIER to do just about EVERYTHING. Granted, it would have been easier months ago when most of the big decisions were being made (by me), but whateva, he's here now! The past week alone we've made appointments with various vendors, booked strings for the ceremony, a dj for the reception, picked out our wedding invitations, and made some crucial decisions about our wedding rings. Joy! :D I love it when things start to get done.

Tonight we are cake tasting, then I have to get shoes for my friend Zoe's wedding- I have a bridesmaid dress fitting tomorrow at 1:30, and must wear the shoes I'll be wearing for her wedding. I have no idea what color anyone else is wearing. Also tomorrow, we are starting swing dance lessons with my parents. This is a double hooray because Jared doesn't dance usually, but he wants to do this (!), and Zoe's wedding... well, she met her fiance at swing dance lessons. He was the INSTRUCTOR. So, pretty much, everyone at their wedding will be amazing swing dancers. It would be nice if Jared and I could at least rock-step by then ;D

Also also awesome, Jared is whisking me away to a secret place the weekend after my birthday! lol, the weekend after that is when I am secretly planning to whisk him away, so the end of May is blocked out. AND, also also also awesome, I'm finishing the edits on my freelance job tonight, so I'll have a sweet $500 in my pocket in a week or so. Meaning, I will be rollin' in It (it being cash moneys). (Ok, not really, but I feel like I am, and isn't that so much more important than actually rolling in it?)

So... what else? Not much I guess. It's just Monday :)

Have a great week everyone!