![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I am not a very pliable person. I was born under the sign of the bull and am likewise as stubborn. and in this deeply rooted stubbornness, I see no reason not to be so. It is who I am. I will not change it. Why should I make the effort, not someone else? I've made a great many efforts over the years; I have broken from my shackles of insecurity and my meek ways in order to defend them all, to push back the offensive strikes of boyfriends, peers, authority, and themselves- only to be rewarded with my own rapidly thumping heart, my hands shaking, my skin burning and red with the utter terror of confront.
I could've gotten a fucking "hey thanks maddie I really appreciate it" but instead I get bullshit and the inability to communicate.
I've smoothed wrinkles between us, I've given space, I've given attention. I've had no problem with them living their own lives as we've grown up together, as I've lived my own. And despite our extreme differences we've always met on common grounds with a kind of blushing love in our hearts. we've always been under the impression that we cared and were true to eachother and would always be there for eachother.
but maybe we really were all just so insecure that we couldn't leave the only companions we'd known until we had others to take their places.
maybe we just lied to eachother and then to ourselves so that we felt okay about it.
either way, I'd say it's fairly clear now that we're on our way out. And after trying for a long time, and getting only resistance in return, I'm resigning my position as ligament; I will no longer try to hold us together by acting as a bare thread of life.
I, quite frankly, have had enough of. I am not saying that I'm responsible for the four of us lasting as long as we did- I'm saying I've been more than overly responsible for my side of the friendship. I've been trying. I've seen only half hearted attempts in return.
anyway, I'm not trying to chastise anyone. Good luck out there, and have fun along the way.
But I am resigning.
It was fun. Maybe we'll do it again some time. or maybe not.
I could've gotten a fucking "hey thanks maddie I really appreciate it" but instead I get bullshit and the inability to communicate.
I've smoothed wrinkles between us, I've given space, I've given attention. I've had no problem with them living their own lives as we've grown up together, as I've lived my own. And despite our extreme differences we've always met on common grounds with a kind of blushing love in our hearts. we've always been under the impression that we cared and were true to eachother and would always be there for eachother.
but maybe we really were all just so insecure that we couldn't leave the only companions we'd known until we had others to take their places.
maybe we just lied to eachother and then to ourselves so that we felt okay about it.
either way, I'd say it's fairly clear now that we're on our way out. And after trying for a long time, and getting only resistance in return, I'm resigning my position as ligament; I will no longer try to hold us together by acting as a bare thread of life.
I, quite frankly, have had enough of. I am not saying that I'm responsible for the four of us lasting as long as we did- I'm saying I've been more than overly responsible for my side of the friendship. I've been trying. I've seen only half hearted attempts in return.
anyway, I'm not trying to chastise anyone. Good luck out there, and have fun along the way.
But I am resigning.
It was fun. Maybe we'll do it again some time. or maybe not.
