lathriel | (no subject)

You are the Hermit card. The Hermit has chosen a
solitary spiritual path. He shines light on his
inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom.
The Hermit's home is the natural world and it
is by being in tune with that world that he
learns the laws of nature and learn how they
operate within himself. His path is a lonely
one as he lives in silence and has for
companionship only his own internal rhythms.
But those crossing his path are touched by his
light and wisdom. Though often alone, he
manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet
him and guides those who chose to follow him on
a path towards enlightenment. Image from The
Aleister Crowley Tarot deck.
http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
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Saturday night: up till 5 ish tossing and turning. certain cabin-mates were playing strip poker or something gross and i am a severely light sleeper. so not only was there whispering and giggling but also squeaky beds, you know, the kind that only allegany can have in their cabins... which is why i always just put my matress on the floor. you know. so everyone else doesn't have to listen to my bed every time i turn in the middle of the night. But, anyway, they finally went to sleep around 3:30, and scott immediately started snoring. So i went outside with a shitty flashlight because the other one was hanging over other people's beds. stepped in some mud. sat on a bench for a while. went back to the cabin just in time for searing pain to begin coursing through my sciatic nerve, hip to heal.
Sunday morning: left the park around 10:30, having decided I was too utterly miserable and in too much pain to bother with the cold and the socializing. Scott came with, not so much because I think he was worried I wouldn't be able to drive, or because he doesn't like camping, because I know he loves it, but probably because he just missed his boyz. of course, me being miserable was the perfect excuse for him to return home to a life of music work and cigarettes. I got home around 12. Took a bath. Slept until 10:30. Stayed up till 5:30am, then litterally dragged myself back up stairs because the muscles in the back of my leg were too inflamed to resist any kind of pressure.
Monday morning: awakened around 10:30 by scott dropping off my alarm clock. got out of bed around 11:30. ate some eggs. was going to walk to the park to read and maybe do some homework, but was too fucking crippled to even sit up straight, let alone walk. went back to sleep around 1. woke up at 3:30. updated live journal.
You know what my newest doctor said to me when I saw him for the first time friday afternoon and had to describe my pain and all that? "What the hell's going on here? This kind of thing happens to people in their 60's. You're 20, that's not fair."
You're damn right it's not fair. Can't work, can't sit up straight, can't walk half the time. It hurts to cough. It hurts to laugh. I'd better get better by the time the spring semester rolls around or else I won't even be able to go to school. Ibuprofen only works for 2 days, then i have to break for 2. Prescription darvicet doesn't even help, it just makes me loopy.
The worst part: I feel guilty. I feel like it's all my fault and I have no right to complain and I'm just making everything more difficult for everyone else. I'm costing my parents hundreds in treatment bills, vitamins, herbs. I've been to a chiropractor for 2 months, an active-release therapist, an effing shaman, a massage therapist, i've had x-rays, accupuncture, now my mom wants me to go to a physical therapist which means I'll have to go to a physician for the first time in 5 years to get a script for that. And nothing is fucking working, and the more different perspectives I get on the whole thing makes me think that nothing is ever going to work.
At least there's the writing group tonight. which reminds me; my laptop needs a new battery. which reminds me of all the other things i need to spend money that i don't have on. which reminds me that i can't work, and that i'm miserable.
Also at least: at least Fullmetal Alchemist is on tonight. Maddie get's a .5 hour respite.