Samsara

The idea of giving up. Of being helpless- or not just helpless, but believing that I am helpless. It's so wrong to the core of who I am that I reject it. I've been there periodically over the years, but that is essentially my "rock bottom." I don't stay there long. Having nothing left to lose breeds a kind of temporary insanity in me, just enough to stop caring and live despite the fact that "reality" bites. I know there's so much more to life than what we see and hear about and read in the papers. For instance, if the economy is so bad, why have two new broweries opened up in Williamsville this year? (Yeah, for your EYEBROWS) I'm still learning though, about how much power I actually have. I'm constantly amazed.

Sorry I haven't been on or commenting much folks, I've been incredibly busy since I began this new job- working the kiosk in the morning and at the office in the evening- and it doesn't look like it's going to let up until after my 2 weeks are up at the kiosk. I've hardly had writing time, and I'm afraid my presence on the NaNo forums has been less than exemplary for a 4th year ML.

In other news, I just sent a check-in email to the agency I sent an exclusive submission to, since I haven't heard from them in 4 weeks. They said to on their web site. However, my aunt Michelle might have some networking she can do for me, so I'm going to email her in a minute with some info. She's from New York, so she and her husband tend to always "know a guy." I know that my dad has suggested this to her before, but she didn't think she knew anyone. Now my dad says she's been asking him about my writing because she knows a few people in big publishing houses in NYC. Well, my horoscope advised me to be on the lookout for help from unlikely sources, so I'll give it a shot!

Life is really good lately, though I'm exhausted from the weird working hours and instability of my schedule. I've got a really good feeling lately, just about life in general. I wish I had more time to walk around during the day and enjoy Fall before it's gone. But I've been spending my long lonely hours at the kiosk planning my perfect day for when I am a brilliantly successful author ;D

I don't know how to end this post. It's a rambler, just like my life at the moment...

Today was better than yesterday at the calendar kiosk. I'm thinking most of my issues with the job have to do with my ego- I'm embarrassed to be 25, married, with a BA and making $8/hr to wander around a kiosk. I can't deny that. And another part is anger- anger that I went to school and finished a degree because I didn't want to spend my life in retail- and yet here I am.

Not that I'm planning on spending my life here.

I dunno. It's a weird place for me. I get the whole "times are hard" thing, with the economy and job market blah blah blah. But a huge part of me just keeps railing against it all saying "but that shouldn't apply to me!" It sounds like two things: 1) me being unwilling to face reality, and 2) the truth. It depends on what you believe in which side you'll take.

I do believe that abundance is ours for the taking. I believe that prosperity can be found, made, manifested, summoned, no matter the reality of others. I believe that thoughts, and not actions, are more powerful than anything. And yet... and yet. I don't want anyone to think I'm unwilling to face reality. But whose reality is it? I'm obviously rejecting it on some level.

So I'm here. Here I am. I'm trying to make peace with it, so that I can move on, so that I can be one of those people you read about some day who, despite all odds, and despite the "economic conditions." I want to be one of those people who does something amazing for herself and her loved ones- who finds a way to be her own boss, to do what she loves as a career, to live her life to the absolute fullest. Life is not about working to earn money. Life is about living.

But I stray. We all do. Sometimes our faith is so strong, and then it falters, and we're disgusted with The Way Things Work. When in reality, the BIG reality, the way things work is probably a lot better than it seems. And I flip flop, too- my dreams are sometimes so big, so full of life, summoning such strength and force through me that I feel absolutely alive. And other times, I'm tired. Other times, I think "I won't ever have the discipline to achieve that. It's not that important, that I'd be willing to give up my time or money." Or I think, "I can't do that, or at least it would be very hard to even try." Why? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of wanting, and not getting/doing/being. I'm afraid if I want too much, I'll be so disappointed when it does not come.

Fuck that.

Fuck fear.

And here's another thing, anyway: you can't stop wanting. You can pretend, and hide it even from yourself, but you cannot stop asking for the things you realize you want. Ever. Oh, you can resist not getting them (which is often why they don't come), and you can think about how much you dislike not having them (another reason). You can think about failing the task, and all the hardships that might come along the way, and just never begin the journey. But here's the thing: if you could just think of that thing you want, and why you want it, you could summon such life through you that those hardships would seem to disappear.

It's so clear to me, at times. We really do make far too much of this game called creation. So, how does one remain focused on the things that summon life force through them? How do you do it when all around people are reminding you of their troubles, the world's troubles, the unlikeliness of success, etc.?

Just remember your inner self crying out "That doesn't apply to me!" Because that inner self? Way smarter than the self that listens to gossip.

I just want to say flat out that there isn't really a question here as to what is the more "worthwhile" pursuit- to each their own is the only answer.

I had a conversation with an old friend at Scott's wedding, a writer. He's a pretty messed up guy (due to a series of uncontrollable events), and very intelligent. A very "artistic" type, with dark tendencies. He's the kind of writer who writes one book his entire life, but it's a book that literally almost kills him, and that will probably become a cult classic among the intellectuals and artists and people who are just so intelligent that they can't help but be in an constant battle with depression.

Recognizing that, I recognized something else that got me thinking: it seems to me there are two different kinds of writers- writers who write because they must, because it is a passionate love affair, because their stories sing in their bones and their characters are alive in their heads, and to give them life brings the writer joy; and writers who write because they feel they are the only ones who can say what they need to say, and even though it hurts, even though they have to suffer and bleed and drink for their words, for each page pulled from the depths of their soul, they will do it, and use it as their excuse to continue living in darkness, the darkness that feeds their mind-bending work of staggering genius.

Okay, I've obviously got a bias here, so I apologize. But bear with me, because here was the terrible thing I found myself thinking: "Those kinds of books are deep. They're intelligent, moving, the kind of books that are taught in college, but only people who are really alive get, and that people get tattoos of and that get nobel prizes. The commercial stuff I write isn't really important, is it? It's just entertaining."

I can't believe I thought that, even for a minute. The "commercial" stories I write are so rich with meaning I don't even see half of it until after I go back and read it; no, they might not be incredibly layered and complex, but that only means it can reach more people, and that doesn't mean they aren't intelligent. And you know what? The most commonly tattooed text from books come from children's books like The Velveteen Rabbit, Lord of the Rings, The Giving Tree, Peter Pan, etc.

I don't want to be an artist that's out to change the world with my magnum opus. I just want to do what I love, and... I guess move a few people while I'm at it. Entertain them, yeah, that too. Because a good story is a form of entertainment that does change you, that leaves a mark on you, broadens your perspective, fires up your imagination.

I dunno, I'm just rambling here I guess, reminding myself that there's a reason I am drawn to the stories I am, in reading and writing. These are the stories that changed me, and inspired me. I know that writing anything can be agonizing, but it shouldn't be, not all the time. I don't believe in that kind of writing. If the story you're writing doesn't bring joy to you when you write it, at least some of the time, why are you writing it?

Okay, I'm done. Hope I haven't offended.

Welcome to my last full day as an unmarried woman!

Just a few notes here before I dash off into another day of errands and meet ups and so much love and stress that I'm not sure if I should be happy or murdering someone! (Family fun- don't ask)

-Thanks so much to all my friends who came out last night for the bachelorette shindig. I've been thinking a lot these past weeks about friends and family, and i don't know how to really let people know how much I love them, especially when I hardly see them. But I do love you all, every one of you that was there last night, and the ones who will be there tomorrow (not that more than a handful of them will see this entry...). I'm getting misty-eyed :}

-Jared and I have hardly seen each other this week, so I'm trying to keep him lighthearted about it- we're going to try to sneak away during dinner tonight to huggle and chat, but it'll be hard. ALL EYES ARE ON US :O

-I know life isn't going to be terribly different after the wedding, aside from no longer planning a wedding ;D But I am looking forward to that. Since last fall, life has just been a rush, and I'm ready for things to calm down a bit. Really focus on writing. Get a part time job so I can have some money to begin saving for Christmas (don't ask why I'm already thinking about Christmas. It was a long train of thoughts).

-As far as the wedding goes, I'm excited. And nervous. But mostly sentimental. I was sad that I don't have any jewelry from my Dad's mother to wear- I have my mother's grandmother's pearls, my grandmother's bracelet, and my mother's earrings. But then I remembered my father built the chuppa for me, which although it didn't belong to anyone, it is representative of his family (and my) heritage. I know his parents will be there in spirit tomorrow- I've been thinking about them a lot lately :)

-Also, everyone seems concerned that there's a 20% chance of rain tomorrow. 20%. WHO CARES? It's a wedding- if anything, if it rains, everyone is so concerned the bride will be upset they try harder to have even more fun. Also, I wouldn't mind dancing in the rain again :)

-Now I am off to get giftwrap. I also need to get something small for my eldest brother, who turns 30 tomorrow.

Endless, endless things to do :p

I love you all! Have a fantastic weekend! (I know I will :D)

This morning while dressing, I saw a bright coral shirt in my closet with open shoulder sleeves that I haven't worn since I came home from England last year. I put it on, went about my day.

And then I realized, that was a year ago today! :O

Wow.

My oh my how a world can change in a year :)

While that semester was the greatest of my life, it honestly can't compare to the journey I've had between now and then, and the adventures I know are to come.

Lando has been here just under a week, and he's fitting in just fine! The other cats were a little nervous at first, but they're getting along well now. He's so affectionate, so adorable... I will post pictures soon.

Friday night, Jared's best man Sean came out to visit from Auburn. We went to dinner at Pearl Street Brewery and then for a long walk around Delaware Park. The next day, we visited the South Park Botanical Gardens and the Our Lady of Victory Basilica down the road, and we even made a little trip to Forest Lawn cemetary. All in all a very touristy but adventurous day!

Sunday I co-hosted Zoe's bridal shower in the morning, which was a weird kind of fun because I was the youngest person there besides Zoe, who is actually a month older than me. Also, all of Zoe's family's friends are artists of the "Arteeeeest" variety, and are therefore very odd. But it was fun!

After that I headed home, packed up my stuff and my fiance, and stole him away to Canada for a surprise night's stay at the Fallsview Marriot, in a whirlpool suite! We had all kinds of fun running around Clifton Hill, doing more touristy things, eating overpriced but tasty food. We went to a "moving theater" where the seats jostle you around, following the pattern of the first person movement on the screen. It was epic fun, for 10 minutes. I've never heard Jared laugh so much- hell, I don't remember the last time I laughed that much! We were also quite waterlogged during our stay- we used the jacuzzi in our room, and later that night the pool and hot tub in the hotel spa. It was a lovely adventure.

When we came home yesterday, we got bagels and ate lunch, spaced out while petting/playing with the cats, and then headed out to the park across the street to lie on a blanket and look at some cook books so we could plan some meals for the week to come. We made dinner and watched Up - I'd never seen it before, but OH MY GOD WATCH IT!!! I don't like Disney usually, but this was an amazing and beautiful film. Made me a little teary eyed.

So, that was my weekend! I'm tired and sore now, but mentally I'm relaxed and happy as a clam, and so glad Jared and I got to spend a lot of quality time together this weekend.

Life is good :)

-bad news first: the freelance job I did is becoming a problem. The contract states that payment is to be delivered upon receiving the edited manuscript and critique. The guy claims he mailed it out immediately, last Wednesday, but I haven't gotten it yet. It could be lost in the mail, but I email him Tuesday and he hasn't gotten back to me. So, I emailed him today and told him if i didn't hear from him by Monday I'd be sending an invoice... I'm trying to envision a positive resolution, but my instinct tells me he's pissed I didn't think his manuscript was ready for publication, and he's trying to get away with not paying me. Bleh. Oh well, I have a signed contract. Small claims would suck, but I'm not going to let him walk all over me because he's a wounded artist.

-Now for Good News: My brother's surgery went well yesterday, thank you all who wished him well! We won't know until next weekend, when the packing is removed, what the hearing situation will be, but the doctor has very high hopes! I found out they took a skin graft from his fore arm and one from behind his ear in order to rebuild everything. WEIRD.

-I have never really stopped loving The Poppet and the Lune, ever since the night I developed the characters in a small coffee shop, in Batavia, NY, with one Sarah Diemer to inspire and cheer me on. It has been a deeply rooted love, though not one so passionate as I've had with others. When we first met, I could hardly wait to begin writing it. And then I did, but then I left the country, and life was so new and strange... and TPaL was there for me, journeyed with me to foreign lands, and foreign coffee shops. TPaL kept the artist in me alive when the rest of me just wanted to drink and dance and go on adventures. And when I came home, things were new and strange again. TPaL wanted me to keep my chin up, to stay excited, but it was hard. I grew distant from TPaL, and even though it was always there, smiling, supporting me, leaving the lights on and the door open, I didn't feel worthy of writing it. I would come back now and then, and try. But each writing session was short, and I knew it wasn't the best it could be. TPaL didn't care. TPaL never judged me. TPaL said "it's okay to write first drafts. It's okay to take time off." Slowly, I began to see TPaL more regularly. There were things about TPaL that I loved, but I didn't understand. Those things began to clarify, and my excitement grew. I wanted TPaL, to be with it, to write it, to pour my soul into it as I once had, but there wasn't time... until Morning Writing began. And now, we are like a happily married couple, newly weds, still flush with young romance, still eager to see each other every day. The commitment is stronger than ever, even though we only see each other an hour a day, five days a week, for our AM rendezvous. And the love is pure, and healthy, and healing.

In other words: I am so happy writing TPaL lately :)

-Jared is going to Syracuse tonight, so I have tonight and Saturday to myself. After I finish unpacking (FINALLY) I think I'll go get the rest of the fabric I need and start to cover the pillows for the love seat. Maybe I'll watch a movie with the kittehs, who will no doubt be after my needle and thread. I'm going to miss my behbeh until Saturday night :c

-Sunday I'm meeting with my friend Amy, who's going to do a test-run on my wedding makeup! hee hee fun! I don't wear a lot of make up usually, so the main challenge is going to be finding a balance between making it worthwhile to have someone do my makeup, and not making me look too made-up, lol.

That's about it folks! Have a fantastic weekend!

ETA: Yay freelance client just emailed and said he'd mail out my payment today. I'm choosing to believe him, because I have faith in humanity ;D

This week has been excruciatingly long for some reason. I think it's the non-stop action that is my life :p Or rather, every minute is precisely scheduled and filled with activity, and so I am exhausted. But that's the price of awesomeness, I guess... (j/k)

I didn't sleep well last night- in fact I had night terrors this morning once I finally did fall asleep- so I'm going to beg to leave early, so that I can nap. This weekend is pretty much solidly planned too- driving to Auburn Saturday for lunch with our officiant, then hanging out with Jared's friends and getting dinner in Syracuse, possibly dropping some flowers off at his mothers, then driving the 3 hours back home. Sunday is mother's day, and I guess the idea of busy people being able to get more done, faster, is true because for the first time I organized a group gift from myself and all my siblings, and I have the day planned for my mother. With her consent, of course. Thank god Jared hardly talks to his mom, cause I could not do two mothers day events in one weekend. June we already have planned for fathers day to split into two weekends.

The weekend after this one is the weekend before my birthday (May 17th) and yes, I do make a big deal about my birthdays. Which is why this year is unusual. Generally, not wanting to leave it up to chance, I go ahead and plan myself a huge party, starting in March (the planning, not the party! but that's a good idea too...). Last year, I didn't have a party, but I didn't feel it was necessary since I was living in England and the whole semester was a party (I was in London with a friend that day, and when we returned to Oxford my flatmates had made me chocolate chip cookies :D). But this year there was just too much going on to even think about planning another event. Also, Jared will be in Syracuse again that weekend, and my birthday is on a Monday, so who is going to want to party on a Monday? Don't worry though, the birthday isn't going wholly uncelebrated- we'll be having a nice dinner with my parents the day of, and the weekend after Jared is whisking me away to some foreign land that I don't know as of yet. (Secrets!)

And of course, the weekend after that I'm taking him to a secret land...

We have fun. XD

I'm happy today is Friday though, because even though I might not really get a day off this weekend, at least I can go home tonight and do nothing but cuddle and sleep, and not feel guilty about it. This is something that a lifetime of school has taught me to appreciate FOREVER.

Have a great weekend!

And on the note of people worshipping stress, I had a realization Monday night: maybe if we all just acknowledged each other's efforts more often, from a positive perspective instead of sympathy, we wouldn't feel the need to dramatize our stress. If someone was constantly telling you how awesome you are for the things you do, or simply saying that they acknowledge and respect what you're doing, maybe you'd feel good about it, not stressed. Maybe you'd take the time to acknowledge others. Maybe we should all try to do this, just to see what happens?

That is not to say YOU specifically, or anyone, doesn't already take some time to tell people "I see what you're doin' thar, tis good." Let's just ramp it up a notch, eh? Validate people before they have the chance to start grumbling.

Anyway, onto my own "stress." Further along the experimentation lines, I'd like to talk about lists. How do you feel about lists? I think they're awesome, the best way of organizing ever, and to empty my brain of tasks so that I can focus one at a time. But some people find them oppressive- "oh shit I forgot about that, and that, and that..." But I think for my purposes I'm going to make a list now. In lieu of in-person external validation, I am going to write it out and validate myself.

So, here has been life since September:

1.) Meet my soul mate.
2.) Get engaged.
3.) Finish the semester.
4.) Graduate from college, and end the 6 year era of me being only pseudo-independent.
5.) Begin planning a wedding. The reception venue and the dress were the MOST stressful to find.
5.a.) Begin being a bridesmaid and substitute maid of honor for my friend whose MoH lives in Cali.
6.) Job hunt forever, doubt my value as a human, my ability as a writer, my capacity for independence, etc.
7.) Start new job working for the family business.
7.a) Start said business from scratch.
8.) Find a new apartment for Jared and I.
9.) Still planning that wedding!
10.) Move into the new apartment.
11.) Plan bridal shower for friend.
12.) Take over paying for all my own stuff, for the first time ever (I've had rent, phone, and some groceries covered during college... spoiled, I know, but I still have to face the adjustment)
13.) Take on a freelance editing assignment.
14.) Hello, wedding planning. What's that, everyone now has an opinion but I still have to do all the work?

And that's leaving out a lot of equally stressful small details.

Ahhh but you know what, despite the stress, it's really freaking awesome! *pats self on back* Besides, if I wasn't under gratuitous amounts of stress I wouldn't have had this opportunity for spiritual growth. And, by the way, I'm really enjoying experimenting with ideas about "stress." So yay for me! Soon this will all be over, and I'll be bored, haha. No, a writer is never bored. But you know what I mean.

Speaking of writing, The Hierophant is reinventing itself, tightening its universe and characters, making itself more fun and, well, rock 'n' roll. ;D Also, I'm definitely over the halfway point in The Poppet and the Lune, and I'm excited to begin the home stretch. Ooooh the ending is going to be so awesome! And I think once things settle down around here, I'm going to begin working on some sketches for illustrations. Yes! And maybe, one day, I will actually get around to that animation...

Well, happy Beltane Eve everyone! Have a wonderful May Day weekend!