Samsara

-As I sit at my "office" at work, this is on my lap:


-Tonight, I will be having a random happy awesome springtime ritual, in addition to writer's therapy, with my bestest friend in the world that I am not marrying ;D

-I am, however, marrying my bestest friend in the whole wide world :D

-I had the lunch buffet at Taste of India today, and they were serving all of my favorite dishes! and yes, it was all exquisitely nom-able

-I am once again falling in love with writing TPaL, after our brief separation due to Life Happening Way Too Fast. The characters are unfolding beautifully, and the plot is coming together in ways I hadn't even imagined (I hope that doesn't ruin the magic for you if you're reading it...). I find my mind wandering to other stories on occasion, eager to keep working, which is a good sign! But I promised myself I would finish The Poppet and the Lune before I began to work sincerely on anything else. I've been writing it for over a year now, and it deserves to be my priority. Don't worry, I will post until the end! But I will probably have to take it down when I query agents.

-I'm getting a new phone/contract with Jared in a few weeks! I've had the same piece of crap phone for over 3 years now, and it's about time I got hip with the times. I'm generally not a big gadgety person, but i have to admit I'm excited about having one of those fancy phones with a slidey keyboard and all that. Anyway, it'll be easier to write notes to myself even when I don't have a notebook.

-Possible new kitty? Jared's step sister has a dusty gray cat that they want to get rid of so that they can get a dog (apparently all the dogs they've loved don't do well with cats). He's smushy and lovable, just what we like in a kitty, so I may have 4 boys to take care of soon ;p

That is all :)

Apparently I'm post-happy today.

So I just realized something about myself as a writer, in relation to my realization about myself last week, how I am so ungrounded in my sense of self. In the same way that I have a tendency to lose myself as a person or a witch or a whatever when I do things in a community, so too do I tend to lose my self-confidence in my own writing when I compare myself to my peers.

Silly, I know.

For the most part I am a very confident writer, for the simple fact that it seems to be the one thing I do that legitimately impresses people. I also have had my proud moments, and I try to keep the memories of those moments clear and close to the surface. But when I do begin to doubt my skills as a writer, it's usually because I've just read something really really good, and that author's style is nothing like my own.

I need to remember that an author's voice and style is just as important as the story and characters, and the wrong author for the wrong story creates a poor work of fiction. I don't believe that the wrong story ever comes to the wrong author, but to try to force yourself to change because you admired another author's work is like trying to force your baby to have blonde hair and blue eyes when you and your mate have brown hair and brown eyes. Or something along those lines. Genetic manipulation is scary. Anyway.

I feel refreshed having discovered that. I don't think it will happen anymore. :)

1. What's the last thing you wrote?
"A Lover and its Ghost" - a novella I wrote for my soul mate's 25th birthday :)

2. Was it any good?
I believe so. He has to read it in small portions because every time he gets a few paragraphs in he gets misty-eyed and has to stop.

3. What's the first thing you wrote that you still have?
I think I still have a copy of my ridiculously dark essay on, essentially, hell as being a mind-state that we're all subject to (written in 5th grade!) called "Dwelling of the Evil Past"...

( Read more... )

Oh my! Is it already that time of year, when the New Year's LJ posts start rolling in? If the nasty, bitter cold and white-out weather we've had the past few days is any indicator, then yes, yes it is that time.

Last year I didn't state goals so much as themes I wanted to explore and emphasize in 2009. They were Love, Honesty, Expression, and Identity, confidence, and audacity. Did I successfully embody and explore those themes? I think I can safely say YES to that. I made new friends, I did new things, I have discovered who I really am and lived that person's life as she would live it, and I have found the love of my life. What a year! Travel, adventure, love, and, hey, finishing college after 6 god damn years. The year of the Maddie? Possibly. But what will we call next year?

Next year holds some interesting events! Namely: OMGWEDDING. Hee! That will, I'm sure, be one of the main events of 2010 in my life. But I'm going to be brave and, this year, set some personal goals for myself:

Obtain an income. I don't want to say "get a job" because that's not what I want. I want to get published, and whether or not that "realistic" (when have I really concerned myself with "reality"??) I don't care. I am looking for a job only for income between now and publication. It will happen, I know that- it has happened, already, in some metaphysical way that I just need to relax and allow to manifest- now is as good a time as any.

Write The Tower. I realized when I was half-way finished with the first draft of The Hierophant that I needed to write the sequel. I was so passionate about the sequel that I almost put the first draft aside! That would have been a mistake, of course- but I have had some difficulty getting that passion back. Granted, I've been so distracted lately by True Love and finishing school... I think, once things start to balance out and I can get grounded again, I'll get that passion back soon enough. It's going to be a tough book to write in some ways, it's very dark and emotional, but it's going to be a mind-blowing triumph when it's done.

Finish The Poppet and the Lune. Oh TPaL! How I've neglected you so! I should be writing you today, but, then again I should be writing essays for school, too... I love this story so much, and it is so unlike anything else I've written. I think it has a lot of potential for publication because of its originality. My only concern is, I have no idea what to pitch it as. YA? Childrens? Who knows.

Read more. I am ashamed to admit that I don't read much, at least not as much as a writer probably should. A few books a year, perhaps. I can't say it's entirely my own fault- I begin plenty of books, but never finish them because they don't hold my interest. And that's saying a lot- I finished Twilight, and it was terrible, but admittedly it holds your attention. I like to get sucked into a book though, the kind of devouring that makes you want to stay up all night to finish it, or skip class, or something like that. I try to write books like that. My other problem is that I try to read YA to see what other peeps in my genre are doing, and I get enraged because they're terrible, or just jealous because it's okay, there's no reason why they should be published and not me... which brings me to:

Allowing. I want to allow and appreciate the success of others, and myself. Jealousy, indignity, judgement, pride, comparison- these aren't thoughts or emotions that help me. I need to appreciate, not hate. I might write better, or I might not, it doesn't matter. I really need to feel that, though, because all of those emotions show that I don't believe the Universe is going to deliver- that I don't believe I can have, do, or be anything I want. I used the art of allowing to find Jared, in a way. I wasn't trying to find my soul mate, I just knew what I wanted when he did decide to show up, so I wrote it down and allowed it to come into my life. 2 months later I met the love of my life. Now, if I could be so easy about publication...

2010 is going to be the Year of Maddie! Again! Every year is really my year... it just took me 20 or so years to realize that ;D

I have given up on trying to reach 50k. That's not to say I won't, but I'm not stressing over it. I can't. I was, and it was hurting me even more. If need be, I will be the example that it is okay to fail at NaNo, and I shall fail gracefully.

Some reasons behind my decision: I was not excited about the novel I'd chosen to write, and excitement, above all else, at least at the outset, is essential to ploughing through a first draft. It's all one has sometimes to make up for a lack of characters and plot. So, I've scrapped the novel, and I'm doing something experimental, which I'll discuss in a moment. Also, due to illness, stress related to finances, and my unavailable weekends (from now until Spring :) and now the addition of an editing assignment that was supposed to be done by now, but due to some bitchy underhandedness I was unable to contribute to a group project and now have to do it alone- this on top of all the other final assignments for the semester, it would be irresponsible of me and unkind of me to push myself to finish a novel, too. Not to mention, while all this is going on I feel terrible about not getting to write TPaL, and I'm afraid I'm becoming too distant from its essence. Tonight I'm going to write a few chapters in that, and then work on the new NaNo novel.

The New NaNo Novel: As you may have noticed recently, I have found my soul mate and I am madly in love. When I say soul mate, I'm not using the term lightly- there have been so many strange signs and experiences, and dreams that we've had, and sheer, undeniable intuition... I have no doubt that Jared and I have spent many lives together. So, being all twitterpated and having such a clear knowledge of some of these past lives in my brain, I'm going to write them out. It's all based on the second time we met, we were lying down, cuddling, and he looked at me and asked with all sincerety: "Where do I know you from?" I had a dream later that week that he asked me that, and I told him the story of one of our lives together. It's coming out fairly experimental- there's no over-arching plot so far, just a series of anecdotes with poetry sprinkled here and there, and it's written in first/second person with alternating narrators, signified by font change.

I'm not so much excited about this new idea as I am forcefully drawn to it. I don't know if i'll reach 50k, but that's fine. I just want to finish it in time for Jared's birthday (December 27th). It'll be the first writing gift I've ever given, but more importantly, been inspired to give.

In other news, TPaL will be published as a serial in Buffalo Tales Magazine for the next year! I signed the contract and got the check, and I almost cried. $150 dollars. I know that's really not much per issue, but it doesn't matter- I told her I'd let her publish it for free. Besides, money issues have abounded lately. All that aside, a three figure check and an official contract does so much to make a person feel like a bona fide writer, as in one whose career is in writing. I've needed a boost lately to get me back on my feet of positive thinking, and this helps. I also need to actually write every day.

Leto seems to be doing better. We found a hair ball yesterday, I'm hoping it was his and that he was just trying to get that up all this time (he's such a little guy I wouldn't be surprised if he had a hard time with it). So, all in all, things are looking up! Plus, I get to see Jared again Friday night - Sunday night, and next weekend he has Friday off, so I'll be going out there Thursday night for a 3 day weekend, and the week after that is thanksgiving, so we get 4 days together! Woo hoo!

I was feeling like such a lame-o recently for being so whiny about missing him (in my head) during the week, but I finally realized why it's okay: in life, when you grow and expand and improve, it hurts to be cut off from those things that you've become. I was happy single, in the perspective I was living... but now I have so much more, a mind-blowing gift that, until I received it, I had no idea was absolutely and already an essential part of who I am. I can't go back- you can never go back. So, yeah, it sucks that we're so far away, but that's okay, too. It's okay that we miss each other like crazy, because no matter how much we miss each other the love that we're experiencing is so much more powerful that we can't even be unhappy about it. Besides, it could be much worse- I'm so grateful that we at least have every weekend together.

Okay, I'm done for today. Maybe gonna nap before class while my laundry finishes up.

"You are the full recipients of a constant hurricane of grace." -Abraham-Hicks

Awesome.

Also: I suck at life for not updating TPaL this week, and I apologize for that here and here. I've been going nuts trying to finish the synopsis for The Hierophant for the agent that requested it, even though I have a feeling he's not the "one." But still, in finishing it, I will have another step done in submitting to other agents, plus Llewellyn's YA fiction press, Flux, which is one of the few publishers out there of any worth that still takes unsolicited submissions.

I have to show old work today in my advanced editing class. Not thrilled about this. I would have shown my object animation, but I fear it is lost forever (I haven't had the heart to look on my parent's computer in case it really is gone) since the HD crash of '09. I have other things to show, but other people have better things- everyone else took intermediate video, and while I kind of did too, all I have to show for it is trapped on a computer in Oxfordshire, England. So, I think I will show "Strikes," the film I wrote/script-supervised/produced/co-edited for the 48 hour film festival. It won "audience choice"!

Oi. Okay. I feel down right anxious right now. Is it about showing my work? I don't know. I feel strange. Like I had too much coffee. But I haven't had any. Maybe I need some? Weird. Hyperactive? Me? How very, very unlikely.

Um... what else... oh yeah! I'm going to do a mid-grade cleanse next week, as it is the beginning of Fall and seasonal changes are always a good time to cleanse. Nothing too ascetic- fruits, veggies, brown rice, boiled eggs. Possibly yogurt. Lots of herbal tea. The hardest part? I'm also cleansing from technology. I won't be on the internet at all except to check my email 3 times a day and to post TPaL stuff. No Facebook. No Twitter. No LJ. Why? Because I spend too much freaking time on the internet. I've done this before in the past, and it's difficult, but I always get so much more work done.

I think that's all for today! :)

I'm into finding free ways to advertise lately. Putting yourself out there is the most important step in making the right connections that will get you an audience/agent/publishing contract. So, I apologize if it gets repetitive, but you will occasionally see entries here from me asking you to do me a favor...

I made a fan page for Web Serials on facebook, admittedly with the intention of promoting the web serials of my friends and myself... and any other related sites people happen to post there. I'd love it if you'd fan the page, and possibly suggest it to any of your friends who you think might be interested :)

Also, I've thought about making a video trailer for TPaL... I hope I have a lot of freedom in my advanced editing class this semester, cause that would be a sweet way to viral market. And fun to make!

Anyway... I've been feeling this "sweet spot" Uncle Rob mentioned in my horoscope last week. Only, I feel like it's more of a flood of creativity than a flow. I have so many ideas popping into my brain, and so many things I'm excited about, that I'm finding it hard to focus. My goal was to finish TPaL (in .doc format) by the end of August, but with less than a week left, I don't know if that's going to happen. I'm overwhelmed by my own creativity right now; sitting down and working on one project only is a kind of torture, but working on several at a time produces less satisfying results.

I need to play. The Hierophant, as I've mentioned before, was never intended to be any good. It was written for fun. And it ended up being one of the best things I've ever written. Its sequel, The Tower, is not coming quite as smoothly, because I have so much invested in the trilogy at this point. I need to find that place again- stress-free, worry-free, no-pressure writing. TPaL started out that way, but as I've fallen more deeply in love with the story and characters, I can't stand the thought of hurting them by producing a mediocre chapter by accident.

I think this is why I've been writing poems lately (I don't, as a general rule, write any poetry at all). And why a million and one bits of inspiration have been coming to me, for stories I've yet to write. I do need to play, but I cannot use that as an excuse to stall on my current projects. I'm a writer, through easy times and hard times. I love my babies, and I refuse to prevent them from growing up simply because I can't stand to see them flawed. It's like my tattoo artist said the other day: sometimes you see a child, and they're so beautiful, and their skin is so young and perfect, and you never want them to get a tattoo even though tattoos are a perfectly acceptable thing in your world. But some day they will grow up and decide for themselves what to do with their skin, and you will find out that they are perfect in your eyes because you love them, no matter what their skin looks like. Flaws, even, can add more beauty- more life- to a face.

I need to look at some of that macro portrait photography where every pore and hair follicle and flaw is visible...

Technology is amazing, and I'm sure the smart folks at the apple store will be able to safely transfer my word .docs to another hard drive. If they can so easily archive photos and mp3s, there's no reason word documents can't be saved. There's every reason they *should* be able to be saved.

Everything is an opportunity for spiritual growth.

I will be working on Renaissance and The Hierophant by Tuesday at the very latest, and I only say so late because it's a holiday weekend. Hopefully, I'll be working on them by tomorrow. And submitting to agents and publishers! And I'll be published by this time next year ;)

Sort of. I've been busy/without internet. So here's the jist of what's been happenin':

-I'm home! As of last Wednesday, 5pm, to be exact :) Things are the same, and different, and new. I love home, but I have a feeling my wanderlust is going to be unbearable this year, especially since I'm practically broke :P

-So, to solve that, I need a job. I've been keeping an eye on BuffaloJobFinder.com, and craigslist, and all that, but so far nothing is coming up. I think I'm going to print up some fliers and get this pet-sitting business rolling. I'd like to have supplemental income as well though, because there is a lot of stuff I want to do this summer. We'll see. The Universe provides ;D

-The Poppet and The Lune is back on schedule! Now I just need to write the rest of it... also, should I be working on a novel? I feel like 2 projects at once is asking for trouble, but I feel strangely useless if I don't have a novel project going on. Then the question is, which one do I pick up? Rewriting The Hierophant? Writing The Tower? Revising Midnight Estates? Hmmm...

-Write-in tonight! I'm excited to see people. I don't want this to become an issue with writer's group- I officially left the BWG last fall, and I don't really have any intention of coming back. And the write-ins are not, and never have been, any kind of attempt to undermine the BWG. It's just me (or whoever, for that matter), somewhere public, writing, and inviting other writers to join. I hope it's as productive as it has been in the past.

-Where are some good places to meet new people? I'm feeling expansive. Let's meet new friends/potential partners in crime!

-Also, Zoe, my friend since 4th grade is engaged! And so is Scott! Granted, Scott already has a baby, but that's two friends in one week who have gotten engaged! And I'm going to Kristen's wedding on the 20th! Dang it, don't undermine my singledom! (Addendum to the above bullet: "Let's meet new friends/potential partners in crime/possible lovers?" ;p)

Aaaaaand... that's it.

Hmmm. I have been slacking on the updates. I think I've been busy, or something, but I have very little to show for it if I have been. Oh, I remember, I existed within a cloud of rage for a week and a half, dealing with bullshit drama of other people's making in my life :P

It's all good though- every negative experience exists as a lesson, or at the very least an example of contrast so that I know what not to focus my energy on. Yay! (Speaking of the drama, I told the ex we shouldn't be friends. I didn't really expect a response [though I probably should have], but I got one... not sure if I'm going to reply yet.)

I've been having a lot of fun lately, despite the anger issue. Which is mostly gone. I had two nights in a row of really nice and sincere one-on-one conversations, first with Heather, then with Becky. Both at pubs, lol, but they were nice pubs. I went to London this weekend to check out the Portobello Road market with Heather and the girls (I reference Heather specifically because she lives in London on the weekends with her boyfriend Scott, so it was like we were visiting her). Since it was sunny out we headed to Battersea Park and drank wine all afternoon, playing frisbee, and occasionally petting a dog that wanted to sniff our food. When the sun went down we headed back to Scott's friend's apartment, watched some crappy English TV, and headed out to an awesome pub with my new flask in hand (It was the only thing I bought at the market, except for a bunch of huge grapes- seriously, HUGE). We were up/out till about 3 in the morning when we stumbled back to Scott's apartment. That was probably one of the most hedonistic days of my life. Good way to celebrate Spring? I think so.

I don't know, not much going on really... I'm having a lot of introspective moments, but they're all too nebulous to go into really. I love the UK. I miss people (and animals) back home, but I know when I come home I'm going to miss the people and places here, too, and when school starts in the Fall I'm going to hate it. Buffalo has great potential, and I didn't really think I'd ever want to get away from there, but having been away, lived away, even for a little while, I've come to realize just how important it IS to get away from home for a chunk of your life. I think I need to be away longer, to be honest... or just elsewhere. I think I've started something I won't easily be able to turn off. I need to spend more time out in the world, on my own little adventure. Or big adventure. I have a feeling I might end up in Buffalo, ultimately, but there is a long time between now and then.

I'm considering grad school again/still. There's a school in BC that looks decent, but I actually want to look at grad schools over here, too. In what? Well, in BC they have a Creative Studies program that would let me combine creative writing and video. But I might just go somewhere for creative writing. I don't know. The more I work in video, the more I like it, but when I'm away from it for even a little while I begin to wonder if I'm settling. Writing is my first love- my true love. I dream of a life where writing is my very first priority, because it is my career, my income, my art and religion, and my stories are my children. Maybe I'll have a husband, but he'd have to understand... ;) Think of all the time I'd have for research... there are a lot of stories I've let die because I couldn't confront the research necessary to make them happen :(

Anyway, grad school sounds like a good excuse to keep traveling too. Shameless? Yes. But hey, I'd get an MFA out of it, and credit for spending all my time being creative.

Oh, I forgot to add that I found out the quarantine for cats coming to the UK is only 3 weeks, plus you can visit them during the day. So, yeah. Now all I need to make my life perfect is for my friends and family to move to the UK with me...

So... there's some of the inner-workings of my mind lately. Aside from huge things like where I'll be living this time next year, the only other stuff on my mind (that I let stay there) is trying to get a job when I come home, and how best to dress for four days in Morocco at the beginning of April... plus I'm toying with the idea of seeing how hard it is to write and publish a romance novel... I'd like some more spending money ;D